Age of Death (Taennie)

8

Jennie left without coming inside after our conversation on the porch. I think she was more put off than she'd seemed by my reaction, and as I took the stairs up to my room.

I was upset with Haneul, but I knew i had to call him now. He was the only one I could talk about Jennie.

I used the telephone, but he had the number saved and knew it was me. Je seemed hesitant when he answered. "Taehyung?"

"Forget about last night" i told him. "I was pissed off and emotional. It doesn't matter anymore. Jennie turns 22 on January."

He was silent for a long time. I picked at the comforter of my bed as I waited for his thoughts. "....How are you?" He asked at last.

"That's it?" I countered. "No advice? Not telling me I should've known better?"

"It's not your fault you like her," he murmured. "Sometimes that stuff can't be help. It happens."

"I guess." I let out a breath. "The only good thing about this is that it has to be an accident. Right? I mean, barring the infinitesimally small chance that she had some rare brain tumor that's suddenly going to kill her, it had to be an accident."

"Another car accident," he mused quietly. I felt my heart clench in mg chest.

"Well....I can watch out for that."

"How? By making sure she never uses a vehicle over the summer?"

"I don't know. I could drive her everywhere, maybe...."

"No," he cut in, so forcefully it startled me. "If it really will be a car accident, you shouldn't get into a car with her, Taehyung."

"Unless my age of death is 23, I think I'll be fine Haneul."

"You can still get seriously injured." He reminded me.

"So if i can't stop an accident by driving her myself, how do I stop it?" I asked, realizing too late that his answer would be indicative of his usual philosophy.

"Taehyung, I don't think you can."

"I'm going to try," i insisted. "Even if I have to be her chauffeur all winter and spend every hour of my spare time hieng with her and checking up on her." I set my jaw. "Everything i didn't and couldn't do for my mom."

Haneul didn't respond, but I knew what he was thinking. He didn't believe I could do it. I was determined to prove him wrong.

Later that day, Dad finally got to have the conversation he'd wanted. I initiated it by entering his office and offering him my SIM card. "Do you have an old cell phone I can put this in?"

He sighed and nodded, taking the card from me. Then he leaned back in his chair and folded his hands in his lap.

"Taehyung, you know I love you dearly," he began, "but I think we both know that things have been different since your mother passed. I've been different, particularly."

He paused and I stared at him, waiting for him to go on.

"Chahee and I met online a few months ago. She lives in the area, and her husband passed away in fire a couple years ago. He was a firefighter. Talking to her...." He trailed off, shaking his head.

"Everything I'd been through, she'd been through. She could relate to it all. I haven't had that with anyone other than you." He shifted in his chair and looked to me pleadingly. "I think you'd really like her if you gave her a chance. A lot of the qualities I admire in her are ones I admired in your mother."

"She's not mom," I reminded him griffy. "She's never gonna be mom."

"I know." He nodded. "I know. And when you were born, your mother and I promised each other that if anything were to happen to either of us, the other one would do the best job they could in raising you, and try as best as they could to be happy." He smiled proudly. "And I've don't a damn good job with you. I love you so much, Taehyung. Now it's time for that promise."

I lowered my eyes to the ground, not sure what to say. "She's not a replacement?" I asked at last.

"Trust me. There is no replacing your mother," he told me, getting to his feet. "okay?"

I looked up at him as he stretched his arms out for a hug, and then obliged him with a meek, "Okay."

As he hugged me, he explained, "I'm going to invite her over for dinner one night next weekend, okay? I think you'll like her, but if anything goes wrong, we'll talk it out, alright?"

I pulled away from him abruptly, eyebrows furrowed. Dinner with just me, Dad, and Chahee sounded like a train wreck waiting to happen. "Can I invite my friend? Jennie?" I asked him.

He didn't take too long to think about it before he nodded. "That sounds fair. Sure."

______

I consumed myself with Jennie for the next week. I made lists. Charts. Learned where she liked to go, what her schedule was like. It was borderline stalking, only she had no problem letting me do it. We developed a routine, every weekday, I'd get home from work late in the afternoon and then she'd come over.

Depending on whether or not Kuma was with her and whether or not we felt like going out, we'd either hang out at my place or I'd drive is around. Jennie complained about my driving now; she said I was way too slow and way too careful, even when I was going the speed limit. I ignored her.

One of my lists -the most morbid- contained possible caused of death. I added to it every chance I got. An accident involving a vehicle was the most obvious cause, and it was right up at the top of the list. The lower down I went, the most ridiculous they got. It ended with "sky-diving accident" and then "random tumor," but i wound up crossing the second one out when I decided that the list should only be composed of preventable causes.

Jennie life became more than just an extention of my own. I buried myself in it with an enthusiasm I'd only had one before: four years ago. As the days passed, I could see the similarities cropping up in my subconscious: trouble sleeping and panicky episodes, for example. But i couldn't let up. I couldn't give up. I had to keep her safe. Had to keep Jennie safe. Had to sleep Mom safe....

I was 17. I was seventeen and Mom was coming downstairs, dressed up for dinner with a friend. And while Dad was telling her how beautiful she looked, a feeling so powerfully foreboding settled within me that I felt paralyzed with fear. I watched her and Dad laugh together as he twirled her around, watching her dress spin, and then I blurted out, "I don't feel good."

They both turned towards me, and i tipped forward abruptly, and, barely managing to stay on my feet, vomited. They rushed to me, one on either side of me, and Mom held back my head as Dad helped me stay on my feet.

"Tae, let's get you to your bed," Mom cooed in my ear. "Well get you a trash can to put beside it. Your Dad will take good care of you."

I shook my head and gripped at her. "No. I want you to stay."

She looked at me grimly. "I can't, baby. I have dinner plans with the Park's."

"Please." I don't know why I needed her around so suddenly, but the feeling was there,deep inside me, and I felt it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I couldn't ignore it. "Please stay."

"Your father will stay with you," she insisted, kissing the top of my head. "Let's get you upstairs."

I jolted awake, breathing hard, and fumbled for the clock on my nightstand. I turned it towards me and squinted. It was 2 in the morning.

Sighing, i rolled over and stared at my bedroom wall, vivid images from my dream swirling around in my mind. I didn't need time to recall the details, they were all already embedded deep in my head.

That night was impossible to forget. I hadn't pushed hard enough. I'd known her number, and I'd had a feeling so strong it'd made me sick. But i hadn't pushed hard enough to make her stay.

If it happened with Jennie.....when it happened with Jennie....I'd be ready.

__________

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it or not.

A little more sparkle, a little less stress.

This Christmas, I wish you the very best.