Age of Death (Taennie)

20

"I mean I want to know that this isn't all just meaningless. Like, we aren't born with our whole lives already mapped out by some omniscient force that's already predetermined everything we'll ever say and do and every decision we'll ever make. That idea terrifies me: that we're all just ants under a magnifying glass and someone's poking at us with a stick. Someone who already knows exactly what we'll do and who we'll be and when we'll die. If i could do that isn't the case, i think I'd be alright."

"That's a hard thing to prove. Probably even impossible."

"Yeah. I know."

She shifted slightly, tucking her hands under her cheek, and asked me, "Are you religious?"

"No. Are you?"

"I haven't decided." I forced a laugh. "Doens't that mean you aren't?"

"No, it means i haven't picked one out. I guess I'm like...spiritual? I think there's probably no heaven or hell. But we came be the peak of all intelligent life in the universe, because that would be really sad. People are stupid." She let out a sigh, and then smiled at me. "Okay, anyway, I'll go. Mine is simple: i don't want any regrets."

"That sounds like you," I agreed, smiling back at her.

"Your mom told me about your grandfather while we were alone at the park last week."

"She likes you a lot, you know. She told me after we got back. I told her I like you a lot too," she joked.

We stared at each other for a moment, light smiles on our lips, and then I asked, "So what's the plan? How do you die with no regrets?"

"You do a lot of scary shit, all totally on impulse," she said very matter-of-fact. I laughed loudly and then hastily covered my mouth, giving my dad and Chahee's tent a furtive look. When I was sure i hadn't woken them, I looked back to Jennie with a roll of my eyes.

"Seriously, though."

"Okay." She paused for a moment, chewing at her bottom lip, and then explained, "I think I turn off a lot of people. I sat what I mean, I do what I like. I try not to waste my own time or anyone else's. A lot of people don't like that, but...I kind of see it as doing myself a favor. And doing myself a favor. Did you know that one of the biggest regrets dying people have I'd that they let other people dictate how they lived their lives?"

"I didn't," I replied, even though the question was probably rhetorical.

"Like, they wasted their time doing what other people thought that should do instead of what they wanted to do. So...I figure if I basically say 'screw everyone else' and live for myself, I'm pretty likely to not have regrets. If i want something, I go after it, regardless of what anyone else thinks about me for it."

"Two thing," I interrupted. "One: so am I just a conquest?"

"You're a conquest. But you're not just a conquest."

"What does that mean?" I asked. K wasn't even sure whether to be offended or not.

"It means you're someone I'm interested in. But being a conquest is only a bad thing if the person chasing is only chasing just to chase, right? I'm chasing you, so you're conquest. But I'm not chasing you just to chase."

She sighed. "I'm confusing myself. I think I said that correctly, though. Like...I want you. I'm not hiding that. But I'm not wanting you just to want something. As soon as we hung out and got ice cream that first day I knew you were someone i wanted to get to know. And back where i used to live, there were some people I wanted to get to know and didn't have the courage to talk to, and later I regretted it. This was suppose to be a fresh start, so I decided I wasn't going to do that anymore. Does that make sense?" She looked a little concerned until I nodded.