Where You Go

10

When Namjoon opened the door all his stress and emotions burst out of him. He clung to the elder, shoving his face in his chest in an attempt to silence the world. Too many voices were wreaking havoc in his head, he just wanted out.

"Hey, what's going on?" Namjoon pulled him further into his room and shut the door. He pulled him away by his shoulders and held him at arms length to get a good look at the younger. "Talk to me bubs..."

"He..he knows. Taehyung...he knows who I am" he steadied his breathing, bringing his own hand to cover his heart in an attempt to calm himself there as well.

"Oh Kook" Namjoon led him to his couch and sat him down. "Was he upset?"

"No, that's the thing I don't think he was. He apologized to me and it hurts" he pointed towards his heart, gripping his shirt. "It hurts here because he meant it"

"Well that's good then isn't it? He knows what he did in the past was not ok, so shouldn't you feel a little bit at peace with that if you know he's repenting?"

"No Joonie. Everything is not how it should be. He likes me. He kissed me"

Namjoons eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets as he heard the younger. "He what?"

"He kissed me, last night. I mean he was drunk but it still happened. And I don't know what's going on with me" he let his head fall into his hands as he continued. "A part of me liked it. And that scares me Joonie."

"Oh Kook." He brought the boy into his side, wrapping his arm around him, sheltering him.

"And then this morning I overheard him and his friend talking, he said he loves me hyung. He has for years."

For once in his life Namjoon was left dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. "Umm...that's.."

"And the messed up part of it all is I think I like that he loves me. I mean I don't feel angry or disgusted by it. I should though, right? After everything he's done but I don't. It makes my heart pound and my stomach gets all funny. It honestly makes me nervous to be around him now."

Ok. Not what Namjoon was expecting. "Kook.."

"Help me Joonie. What am I supposed to do? Is it wrong? Is something wrong with me?" By now he was rambling.

"No Kook. Nothing is wrong with you. Do you like him too? The person he's become?"

"I don't know. I think so. I mean...why is this so complicated?"

"I can't answer that, only you can. Only you know what's going on inside. When have you started to have these feelings?"

He pulled away and finally looked towards his hyung. He couldn't see a trace of judgement on his face or in his eyes, they only held the utmost sincerity. "Maybe for a while, a couple months. I just pushed them away, now it's like they're coming at me full force."

"I see, have you spoke to him about it? It seems he's confessed"

"No. I came straight here. And I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to him about it. At least not right now. Yes, he apologized, a drunk apology but he meant it, I could tell. I haven't forgiven him though. Apart of me has, but then again, he put me through hell hyung. Wouldn't it be too soon?"

"I think that's up to you. You shouldn't care what I or anybody else thinks. Just follow your heart. If it tells you that you've forgiven him then you have. I'll bet you'll feel a lot better when you do, more free as well"

"Yeah. You're right. Can I stay here today? I don't think I can face him right now. He'll just want to talk and I'm not up for that right now. I need space to think."