The Good Intentions

Chapter 50 - Bethany

Bethany

Days have passed. Or maybe weeks. Honestly, I'm not sure how much time has gone by. You begin to forget about time when your heart is a withered rose in your chest. That's how I picture my heart to be. A once red rose now tainted with black wrinkled petals. I guess that's a better image than a crumbled pile of rocks and dust. That's what my chest feels like. Every time I breathe in I can feel it tighten. The pain, the burn, nearly unbearable. But that could be because I've breathed in all the fresh air from beneath my comforter and I'm just left with the stale kind.

This is how I've spent my days, or weeks. In bed, hidden under my comforter. To my luck, Professor Tate had some kind of family emergency and the remainder of the lectures as well as our final exam have been moved to online. I hate online classes. But, I don't have to see Kaden. I don't have to see him ever again.

"B, you up?" Loni doesn't wait for my reply and flicks on the lights.

My eyes clench tighter as I try to block out the sting. "Turn it off," I groan.

"It's been five days, Bethany. You need to get up."

Okay, it's been five days.

"I don't need to do anything."

My bed shifts as Loni sits on it, but she doesn't dare pull the blanket away from my face.

"Jace is barbecuing at his place tonight. You should come with me."

"Why would I do that?"

She sighs, placing her hand over my covered hip. "Don't you think it's time you and Kaden talk?"

"No."

She sighs again. "You know, I was just like you a few months ago. Heartbroken about Jace. But we were able to work it out. You will too. You and Kaden were so good together." She finally gets up the nerve to tug on my blanket.

I slap her hand away as the light and cool air hits the warm skin of my face. I sit up, not caring how I look. "Don't!" I snap. Loni pulls her hand back, shocked. "Don't try to compare my situation to yours. You broke your own heart because you were too scared to admit your feelings for Jace. You two were too scared to be together so you called it off. You were afraid to fall in love. You made that choice."

I lay my head back down on my pillow, not able to look at her as her eyes fill with tears and so do my own.

"But I was already in love with him. And he told me he loved me. We weren't afraid. But it was all a lie. He lied to me the entire time. He used me. You don't do that to someone you love." Sniffling, I wipe a fallen tear off of my cheek. "So no, we can't talk and work it out. It's over. It never even started. It was all just a lie."

"Kaden said—"

"I don't care what Kaden said. I can never trust him again. I never should have to begin with."

She doesn't say anything else. But she waits for a moment on my bed, waiting for me to change my mind to hear what Kaden had to say, but I don't care. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear him lie to me again.

At some point, she does leave without another word, flicking off the lights behind her, leaving me alone in my darkness again. My throat burns as I choke on a silent sob, trying my best to keep my emotions hidden. But I can't help it.

Confusion is all I feel. I want to be angry. I want to hate him. I want to convince myself that I never actually loved him at all. But I can't. I do still love him. Even though he hurt me, and lied to me, I still love him. Some stupid part of me is still hoping he didn't lie. Another stupid part of me won't allow myself to hear him out, to let him explain.

I'm scared.

That's the only other word to describe what I'm feeling right now. Confused and scared.

What if I go back to him and it's too late? If I wait too long to hear him tell me the truth and he no longer wants to? Or what if I go to him and I'm proven that I was right to avoid him because he was, all along, lying?

I hate this.

So, for now, I'm not going to make a decision. I'm going to lay in my bed, in the dark, under my blanket that now feels like sandpaper against my skin, and think about him. About the guy that broke my heart and the only one that's able to repair it.