All Eternity

Unraveling

"So this is my room," Ethan says, opening the door to his dorm room. It's almost exactly what I expected it would be and smells like a boy's room. Two unmade beds sit on opposite sides of the narrow space.

"Where's your roommate?" I ask. 

"Girlfriend's," Ethan smiles and pulls the cover up on his bed before he stretches out. He leans to one side and pats the space in front of him. I sit down, not entirely sure how I got here or what I really want to do now. Everything that happened earlier bubbles up and I have to push it back.

"Maybe we should just start where we left off," I pull him down to kiss me and Ethan laughs. He sits up and takes his shirt off, then leans forward to kiss me again. His lips are soft but he kisses hard and pushes me onto my back.

It's much harder to ignore my guilt when I'm doing this sober. No matter how mad I am at Justin or how confused I am about what our future looks like this still feels wrong.

"Are you cold? You're shaking," Ethan rubs my arms as he kisses me.

"No, I'm fine," I insist and slide my hands over his chest.

"You sure?" Ethan pulls away, frowning. "Do you really want to do this, Charlotte?"

"Yeah, I think I do," I nod.

"We don't have to rush into this," Ethan says, brushing my hair out of my face. "If you need more time, we can wait," he raises his eyebrows.

"I don't have more time," I shake my head. "All I do anymore is wait."

"I just want you to enjoy it," Ethan kisses my neck. "I've waited so long for you to be mine and no one else's."

"Wait," I close my eyes and feel Ethan sit up again. "I'm sorry," I tell him.

"You're still with him aren't you?" Ethan looks away as I nod. "Charlotte, why?"

"Because I love him," I sigh. Ethan shakes his head.

"He doesn't make you happy," Ethan says. "If you love him, how can you even be here now?"

"It's not that simple," I tell him.

"I think it should be," Ethan takes my hand. "Charlotte, don't go back to him. He doesn't see you like I do, I know he doesn't or he would see how much you've changed because of him. I don't know what he's done or why but I would never have let this happen to you."

"You can't promise that," I protest, even though everything Ethan says is what I desperately needed to hear. "All relationships struggle, it's how things work."

"Not like this," Ethan says. "Yeah, they take work but you shouldn't have to run to another man for comfort. I'd never let it get that far, no matter what went on between us. You deserve better."

"I know," I look away from him. This kind of talk isn't what I want right now. Ethan guides my chin so I'm looking at him again and kisses me gently. I try to imagine it: me spending nights in his dorm or even having a dorm of my own. Would we study together?

My imagination doesn't get far. Ethan's still kissing me but his hands are slipping under my shirt. Is this what I want? Then why do I feel so guilty? I cover his hands with mine, slowing him down so I have time to think. What if I wasn't married to Justin right now and all the lies we've told are true, that we're just boyfriend and girlfriend. Would it change where I am now?

No, that's not enough. What if Justin and I weren't together at all? Instead I try to imagine that I'd always thought I wanted to be the only wife. Could I do this with Ethan then? And would I care so much that only one other guy has done this with me before? Why do I care that much?