Before I met You

chapter twelve

Elaine exhaled with relief once she entered the comfort of her room. She hadn't even realized she had held her breathe all this while but that was what happened everytime she was with Nathan which was two minutes ago in the elevator before he continued to his room floor after dropping her off .

Sha had gotten that feeling of familiarity again but she decided to shrug it off. It was probably her own imagination cause she doesn't remember ever knowing Nathan before the academy.

Her and Nathan had spent the entire afternoon in the secret garden. Nothing much happened just teasing and bickering here and there . A small smile tugged on Elaine's lips as she remembered the afternoon. To her it was well she couldn't even describe it. Nice?! Beautiful?! She didn't know because she was with Nathan. Sounds cliche but you can't blame her. Sometimes the most reasonable reasons are cliche.

" where have you been?" Matilda's voice echoed through the room pulling Elaine out of her thoughts. There is no way she was going to tell Matilda about the secret garden because she's Matilda. One of the gossips of the academy. The whole academy would know about the secret garden before breakfast the following day yet Elaine wanted it to be her and Nathan's special place. You may say she's exaggerating but that's the truth when it comes to Matilda. " No where special" Elaine replied with a shrug.

"Oh really, then where did dream boy take you after the whole Carla scandal" Matilda continued her interrogation clearly not going to back down without a proper answer. " Like said no where special" Elaine replied taking off her jacket . " ohhh so you were with him " " quit it Mat" " okay fine" Matilda surrendered.

"But you two were the topic of the whole cafeteria. Nathan has never defended any girl let alone hold them or sit with them for lunch. So tell me which words did you use on him" Matilda asked

Elaine sighed and feigned ignorance as she walked to the bathroom " oh really that was today. I can't believe it. It sure has been a long day. Goodnight roommate"  " c'mon you still have to tell me about...." The door to the bathroom slammed shut before she got to finish her sentence. Matilda let out an annoyed puff and went to her bed.

Thirty minutes later, Elaine walked out of the bathroom eager to get some sleep. She spent so long in the bathroom in order to avoid her roommate's interrogation. She didn't mean to leave out her only friend at the academy on what she'd been doing but it was inevitable. Elaine tucked herself in a closed her eyes allowing herself into another dimension.

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Three hours later and Elaine still couldn't fall asleep. She stared wide eyed at the dark ceiling . She let her mind think about anything because it's dormancy would bring back uncalled for memories. Now the thing with life is that it will never give us what we really need at that moment. Elaine's mind quickly ran out of what to think about though you couldn't blame it. It has been active for the last three hours. Scared of dormancy, Elaine let her mind wander off to the previous day but as karma could have it . Her mind went directly to her and Carla's scene . ".... hanging out with a good for nothing bitch....."  Carla's words sliced through her evoking the memories she was trying so hard not to think about her. "why should I take her in. She's nothing but a burden to the both of us" " why do you still have her with you. You could've gotten rid of her a long time again and she wouldn't be here bothering us" " don't think your special to anyone here because your not " The memories flooded fast into her mind . Suddenly everything became blurry and she couldn't breathe. Elaine gasped for air but it was insufficient. She needed air. Oxygen. Breathe in . Breathe out . Inhale . Exhale. Elaine practiced the simple excercise in order to stabilize herself. There is no way she could allow herself to have a panic attack. At least not here . Not now . She convinced herself .

She didn't want to wake up her roommate with her anxiety. This was her battle and she had to fight it alone. When she was fair enough , Elaine got out of the room. She needed space. She needed to breathe and to sort out herself. Everything.

Elaine slowly walked out of her room into the hallway. The hallway had no balcony or anything hence there was no point in staying there. She decided to go to one of her favorite places in the academy .

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Elaine opened the old metallic door to the rooftop and gently closed it though of course it had to make a squeaky sound. The rooftop was one of Elaine's places in the academy followed by the library. She liked spending time there . It helped her to think and sort out herself out. She went there everytime she felt like blocking out the world and wanted to be alone. A vast of wind hit her sending shivers all over her body. She inwardly cursed herself for going outside at night without a jacket.

Elaine looked around the rooftop just to make sure no one else was up there with her though of course she knew the answer . An old piano lay on one side of the room with a stack of old boxes neatly aligned next to it. On the other side was a wooden table with some boxes on it still. She took careful steps towards the concrete railing of the balcony and inhaled deeply. She closed her eyes to shut out everything well that's why she was up there . Carla's words didn't really hurt Elaine. Worse had been addressed to her and she had gotten used

The thing is , we go through some situations so many times that it doesn't affect us the way it should. It could come your way and you look at it and be like ' okay this again ' and you move on. But sometimes a stranger can have more effect on you than a person you already know.

That's why Carla's words affected Elaine so much. Carla was ignorant about Elaine's past but could still use the same words to describe her. 'Maybe it's that obvious ' Elaine thought.

Elaine felt her panic attack trying to resurface but she held it back in with her simple excercise. Breathe in. Breathe out. Elaine had sealed her memories in a bottle that she hid even from herself. It wasn't easy to retrieve but recently, right now, she felt like it was going to burst open and she wouldn't be able to control herself anymore. She struggled to keep her emotions at bay and hide her pain but it wasn't as easy as it sounded. It was usually easy to do so but today was taking longer and it was definitely more difficult. She knew that her breaking point was soon . She just didn't want to accept it.'I am strong. I can't breakdown now. I can hold on a little longer' Elaine whispered to herself between gasps for breathes trying to convince herself but she knew the inevitable.

After a long while, Elaine finally calmed down. She decided to stay at the rooftop for some time. She stared at the sky. It was dark. The stars was sparsely dispersed clearly depicting her current mood. "....That's why on some days there are few stars in the sky because others are supporting a friend..." a certain someone's words echoed in her brain. How ironic that she had to remember them now. She had left her room so that Matilda doesn't have to know about her state. She was always hiding her pain by showing everyone she's okay. No one could help her because no one knew about her condition. "....It's a sign you can't hide your sorrow behind happiness forever, sometimes it gets so much you will have to share it...." A sad smile made it's way on her face. He wasn't here but he still managed to haunt her. He doesn't even know what she's going through nor was he here with her right now but he knew what to say. She just didn't know if she was going to follow his words . Nathan Walkers is not only making her reveal herself but also haunting her in her darkness.