The Arrangement

Chapter Sixteen

I have decided that a list of reasons to never trust Drunk-Claudia needs to be created, because as much as getting drunk beyond comprehension has eased some of the weight pressing against my shoulders. It's also plagued me with a feeling that I don't normally have much experience with, embarrassment.

But apparently when I manage to do something warranting that emotion, I really throw myself into and although Hugo hasn't made me feel as though I should be feeling that way. That somehow has yet to make me feel better about the way I threw myself at him last night, after shouting about how he didn't have a right to see the inside of my brain.

Thankfully Hugo had two brain cells to string together otherwise I would be feeling a different kind of way this morning and being smothered in his embrace wouldn't have felt like such a reward. It makes me wonder how I can possibly go back to the way things were before, to keeping him at arm's length and pretending it was better that way.

I don't think a couple of whispered words about how he swears he won't leave is going to cure the compulsive screaming that has taken route in my head. The numbness that has begun to spread from the centre of my chest, it glides down to my very tips of my fingers and splinters like tiny hairline fractures through my veins.

Every step I take is plagued by this heaviness, like I have coated my limbs in cement and then waited for them to dry before forcing myself to move again. There's this unending bustle of noise in my head that doesn't relinquish but this hollowness in my chest and the lingering flushes of embarrassment has be padding downstairs the next morning.

Like this emptiness that I kept reaching for amidst the flashes of pain and this indescribably stab of pain that would burn my eyes and zip down my fingers. It feels a lot like relief now that I can keep it wrapped around me like a cloak of protection, one that allows me to follow the sound of hushed whispers into the kitchen.

They're all crowded around the kitchen counter with frowns etched into normally excitable faces, Rosie's arm so coiled tight around Cassie's shoulder, red hair messed with black as they tuck close together. Sophie is sitting on her other side, hand clutched tight around Cassie's shaking one and for a moment I can see it.

See them carrying on without me, adapting to the hole I'd leave and moving on, it seems almost plausible. Tempts me just slightly more to step back and slide from the room before they can notice but the sound of Cassie's hiccupped sob stops my selfishness in its tracks.

I watch Rosie's arm tighten across her shoulders; Imogen's frown deepens as she soaks pancakes in chocolate syrup until the creation has become mostly inedible. I can see her dark eyes flickering back and forth, hesitation that swallows her like Cameron's jumper that she has cloaked herself in.

"Mum says she is going to by me a ticket, I can spend Christmas and New Year's in New York before my two weeks of show-around interning" Cassie croaks, pulling me nearer and attracting Imogen's attention as dark, haunted eyes flicker up and away from her failed creation and latch onto me.

It pulls her frown up at the sides slightly, a vague sparkle of relief to see me that mingles with the devastation that seems to radiate from Cassie. Imogen's fingers seem to twinkle at me, drawing me closer before my feet carry me back upstairs where I know Hugo sleeps.

Selfishly I wonder why I had to come down here in this moment, when I can't even hold myself up, I don't feel I should be here to help Cassie. Imogen's fingers are a chill against my skin, wrapping shakily around my own hands I know it's one of those times she pushes herself to be here for the rest of us.

It keeps me stationary; I can't be the one to shrink away when everyone else is pushing through to stand here.

"Will you go?" Rosie murmurs, hand stretching out and wrapping around my other wrist as I float into everyone's vision with Imogen keeping me close. "I hate the thought of you being alone right now"