The story of two secret lovers

Chapter 11

Ella:

I lay down on my duvet, staring blankly up at the ceiling. I'm not longer single; I'm taken. So, I should be happy, right? Is this not what I wanted - a pretty boy to ease the suffering in my heart? A beautiful romance? Spirals and dots begin to cloud my white ceiling as I stare aimlessly, and I have to blink them away, my eyes filling with water as I do so.

Why am I crying? God, I'm so dramatic. I continue to stare, allowing the tears to soak back into my eyes, and for the stray droplets to trickle down the side of my face. It's a strange form of melancholic pain really, not being with her, being unable to even daydream about that reality. Vibrations run through my duvet and I turn my head suddenly, glancing at my phone, filled with a futile excitement. It must be Olivia! Here to profess her love from her jealousy, or just to talk to me, or call me. I open my phone, looking excitedly at the notifications.

Clayton
Hey Ella! Do you want to go to Sp...

I glance at it, sighing as I turn my phone off, rolling my head back to stare at the ceiling. No, it's not her. Of course not. It's my... boyfriend.
My phone pings again, and I turn back, filled with an empty weight of pure numbness as I find my phone and click it on again.

Olivia <3 <3 <3
Ellaaaaa!!! We were going to Spa...

I click on it immediately, a stupid smile playing on my face.

Yes, when do you
want to go??

I'm doing Boxing tomorrow...
Maybe saturday??

Yesss!! Okk

Ok. Good. Also, are you dating
Clayton or something now?

I pause a moment, staring at the screen, at Olivia's name, at her profile picture, at everything about her. Butterflies instantly flood me, and I have to shake my head for a moment to rid them in place of coherent thoughts.

Idk. Maybe??
Probably not lmao

Oh.
Then why did you kiss him?

I bite my lip a second, muttering curses to myself. Fuck! I did, didn't I? In that strange, sad, mournful moment I was delusional. Did I really think that his lips could cure my sadness? Did I really think that Olivia's love could be replaced?

I don't know.

But I do know.

Aghh! I need to stop lying to myself.

...Because I like you..??

That doesn't even make sense!

Because I was sad you didn't like my back..?

So I decided to play Clayton, wow. Totally not a dick move, Ella.

I pause, shutting my eyes with frustration. How am I meant to reply to something like that when I don't even know myself? There's no point giving her any hope, because there's no way that my best friend could ever like me back.

Maybe it's best to lie?

He's kinda cute ig.
And I'm a bit lonely I guess

Ok! Still not sure I believe that's
it though. Tell me when you've
stopped denying your feelings
from him!

I'm not denying anything!
He's alright for now. I don't like him

Okayy.... whatever you say, Ella.

I laugh a little to myself, a strange, unfamiliar, nervous thing, hollowed and unfilled with the usual joy. I cast my phone away, turning my head back the other way to face the plain white walls, filled again with a heavy emptiness. Why did I do it? What was I even thinking at the time? The memory is hazy and filled with so much emotion I can't dissect any true thoughts, any coherent logic or reason. Just a... heavy sadness that clouds it all, that clouds everything, and sits with me now.

Maybe I should just give up on her. Maybe it's not meant to be.

I turn back to my phone, clicking on Clayton's chat. The last messages between us were from over a month ago where we did some weird half-flirting. Before the conversation between me and Molly that ultimately changed everything. That made me cast him entirely from my mind. When did I ever think of him really, if not in some distant, meaningless thought? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

I just have to drown this sadness.

Hey Ella! Do you want to go to
Spades for our date.. If you want
to go on a date.

I pause a moment, hesitating before reluctantly typing a reply.

Of course. I'd love to.