The story of two secret lovers

Chapter 15

ella:

I get up from the bench, grabbing my coat from the seat and smiling at Clayton.
"Sorry, Clayton. I have to go back home now." He nods and smiles, looking at me.
"Don't be sorry, Ella. This was fun. We'll meet up next week?"
I pause, thinking for a moment, staring at the boy before me. His curly hair, and his brown eyes, and for a brief moment, I've lost myself in being his girlfriend. I've found a spark of happiness.

I smile, looking at him. "Yeah, of course. Friday?"
He nods, smiling, and I begin to walk away, unlocking my phone. A whatsapp notification pops up on my screen, and I stop to read it.
"Wait." He says. I continue staring at my phone, listening to what he's saying.
"Hey... will you be my girlfriend?" I look down towards the floor for a moment, before turning back to face him. My shoulders tense at my sides, and my throat becomes confined and restricted by unexpected and sudden tears. They stab at me, threatening to overwhelm as the image of Olivia flashes in my mind, and I can't get any words out. Am I willing to abandon her? Am I willing to abandon my future? The world seems to blur, and I curse myself, knowing that the tears have unwillingly decided to form.

"Oh, Ella, are you okay?" He just sits there, looking at me, concerned. "Do you not want to date me?" The world seems to be spinning, and his words echo relentlessly in my head, blaring with uncontrollable thoughts and pangs of emotions. I inhale slowly, taking a moment to exhale, trying to compose myself.
"No, Clayton.. it's not that. It's just..." I pause, biting my lip. "Look, I had fun today. But it's a bit soon... don't you think?" He looks away for a moment, his cheeks slightly flushed.
"Yeah... yeah... of course. I'm sorry. Pretend I never said that."
"Yeah.." I say, taking a step away. "Well, bye then!"
"Bye." I turn away, my awkward grimace fading into a blank expression. I turn on my phone again, glancing at the notification.

Olivia <3 <3 <3
Hiiiiiiii Ella!!! I'm just leaving f...

I pause, my heart falling to my chest and beating loudly in my ears. Shit. I quickly unlock my phone, clicking on her contact and reading the messages.

Hiiiiiiii Ella!!! I'm just leaving for
Slades right now. I'll be there in
ten minutes.

50 minutes ago. I look around rapidly as if I'll suddenly see her here, still waiting. How could I forget such a thing? Did I get too carried away in the act... did she just leave? No... did she see me with Clayton? My hands begin to shake slightly at the thought as dread fills my body with lead. How could I do this to her? Why am I being such a bitch, to her and Clayton?

I put my phone back in my coat pocket, wiping the tears that had begun to fall under my eyes as shame washes over me. I'm such a terrible person. Fucking hell. Who does this to people? What's wrong with me?

I begin to walk away, my breath catching as it hits the lump in my throat, coming out instead a strange choked sound. Tears blur my vision and make the lights sway as I walk, my proxemity to Clayton suddenly making my head swim with nausea. I like him too... why am I acting this? Am I just leading him on..? But I can't end it, not now.

I pause, opening Whatsapp again. I stare at the message for a moment, confused, before beginning to type.

I'm so sorry. I arranged to meet
with Clayton and I must have got
distracted for time :/

I bite my lip as I send my shitty excuse for a shitty action, and shove my phone away again, filled with frustration. I can't stand Clayton. I can't stand Molly. More importantly...

I can't stand myself.