to the moon and to saturn

two

AGE: 16
WARNINGS: eating disorder, purging
WORD COUNT: 1313

❝ i'd like to be my old self again, but i'm still trying to find it ❞

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

You'd think with having the best mother someone could ever wish for, life would be somewhat good.

I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know how my own brain works. I don't want to bother telling my mom, she's been so happy lately. I know she'll be sad when I tell her, God knows she'll give folklore and evermore another sister.

Like mother like daughter, eating is not my thing. I don't particularly want to call it an eating disorder. Because I do eat, and I'm not that much underweight.

I know how hard recovery was on my mom, even though I was still a child. I don't want to get better. Hell, I don't even know if I could call it recovery, since I'm not doing that bad.

My 'disordered eating' doesn't go unnoticed by Taylor. Having been in the same situation years ago, and being my mother, she knows the signs.

We're currently having dinner and I'm zoned out, playing with my food to avoid actually eating it. I don't like feeling full. Whenever I feel full, I get a sudden urge to make myself throw up.

"Y/N honey, are you okay? Do you not like the food?" Taylor speaks with a concerned look on her face, bringing me out of my daze. I quickly take a bite of my lasagna to show her I like it.

"No, Mom. The lasagna is lovely! I've just had a big lunch so I'm quite full." I smile softly at her. I actually didn't have a big lunch.

"Okay, I'll save you some for tonight if you do get hungry then." She replies, still looking quite concerned.

"Thank you mama. I've got an assignment to finish that's due tomorrow, I'm going to my room" I excuse myself. I take my dishes to the kitchen and put them in the sink.

"Good luck baby! If you need my help just shout." She says with a smile on her face.
She truly is the best mother.

As I've mentioned before, I hate feeling full. Because I haven't been eating much like I used to, I think my stomach shrunk or something. I feel full so quickly now, and I don't get hungry anymore.

I make my way to the bathroom and immediately empty the contents of my stomach in the toilet. Throwing up is something no one enjoys, but sometimes it's the only thing that will make me feel at least slightly better.

Tears slowly start to swell in my eyes. I flush the toilet and drink some water to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth.

I unlock the bathroom door and just as I'm about to walk out, Taylor is standing infront of me.

"Did you just throw up? Why didn't you tell me you were sick!" She says as she wraps me into a hug and presses the back of her hand against my forehead to check my temperature. "You don't have a fever, though. So that's good."

"I didn't want to worry you, it wasn't much. I'm okay" I say quickly. I don't know for how much longer I can keep making excuses, it's exhausting.