Premonition

Prologue

If I would have known that social transitioning would affect my school life so much, I don't know if I would have started until I graduated.

Sure, cutting my hair and wearing a chest binder makes me feel slightly more comfortable in my own body, but it's becoming harder and harder to justify my decision to come out based on the torture I've been put through.

My name is Saturn Tyler Walten. I'm aromantic-asexual, transgender (female to male), and autistic. I use any pronouns other than she/her, but my preferred pronouns are he/they/it (or anything other than she/her to be honest). I have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, borderline personality disorder, autism, and clinical paranoia. I'm 15 (almost 16) years old and attend high school in Ohio.

Growing up as a transgender, autistic, alternative teen in Ohio is the closest thing to hell on earth. I get pushed down at least three times a week – if not beaten to a pulp – and I've been called my fair share of slurs. There are plenty of other transgender and autistic kids at my school, but I'm the most open and probably one of the most hated. That probably has to do with my alternative sense of style and my odd pronouns. The kids at my school don't take too kindly to my it/its pronouns. He/him and they/them are a bit more accepted, albeit still looked down upon by a lot of people.

Like I previously mentioned, I'm not very far in my transition. I only cut my hair and wear chest binders on a regular basis. I also dress as masculine or androgynous as I can. No hormone blockers, because my parents won't let me. They don't believe I'm transgender. They think the idea of "transgenderism" is some wicked conspiracy theory made up by therapists and doctors to make more money. And I obviously can't get any surgeries or take testosterone yet, considering I'm still a minor. I'm able to manipulate my voice enough to at least sound androgynous. I've been gendered correctly at least a few times in public, which is nice.

The only reason I have short hair, chest binders, and masculine clothes, though, is because of my older brother Sora (he/him). He's 18 and my best friend. At least I think so. We've been drifting apart lately, but... no matter. He understands me better than anyone. If it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't be here. It might be pathetic of me to say my brother is my best friend, but I don't really care. I have a lot worse things to worry about, including the mental and physical torment that is my high school.

If it were up to me, I would have moved schools and gone stealth as soon as I began my social transition. Going stealth is transitioning into your preferred gender (at least by changing your name and outer appearance, not necessarily surgeries and hormones) and keeping your gender history a secret. So, in short, I would have liked to wear chest binders, cut my hair, and go to a new school under the name Saturn without anyone knowing I was born a female (except for close friends, if I made any).

But alas, I didn't have that choice. Even if I could move schools, my parents would not let me go stealth. They don't care about my chest binders and hair, because those are reversible changes that I've done to myself. While legally changing my name is reversable, it's something that my parents would have to do themselves, therefore they would have to put effort into it (something they rarely do). And with the crumbling society that is the United States of America, there's no telling if the school administrators would tell my parents that I requested a name change (i.e., asking the office to put the information of my gender identity in the notes section of the school's records). I tell all my teachers to call me Saturn, and they do, but they don't do anything about any misgendering, deadnaming or bullying I deal with. Some teachers misgender me themselves, despite me asking them to use my preferred pronouns.

Now, I know that there's at least one of you out there saying, "but Saturn, if they don't agree with your ideologies, they don't have to use your pronouns. LAND OF THE FREE!!!🦅🔥" And I understand why you might say that. Here is my response to that: I don't agree with Christianity. I don't follow any religion at all. I have some very strong opinions about the Christian and Catholic churches that may make a lot of people angry. However, I will always give people of faith the respect they deserve. I would never talk down about God or religion to someone who believes in it. Even if I disagree with it, they still deserve respect (unless they're like a terrible person or something). So why can't people just, like, call me what I want? And even then, being transgender isn't an "ideology." It's not a "lifestyle." Being transgender was not my choice. I'm choosing to transition because it makes me happy. Do we not all deserve to live happily? You can live happily with your guns, but I can't live happily by changing my body into something that makes me more comfortable in my own skin? Who am I hurting? Land of the free my ass. It's only free for those who look like the ones who invaded this land and murdered the natives living here. It's only free for cisgender, heterosexual white men. The Constitution was written with ONLY those people in mind. You can't fucking deny it.

I apologize for getting worked up. There's a lot happening at the moment. There was another school shooting (surprise surprise) at a school in Nashville, carried out by someone who identifies as trans-masculine. I've heard his name is Jayden, but I don't know if that is true, so I will refer to him using his last name: Hart. Hart's Instagram account was found using his preferred name and pronouns (he/him), and the conservatives are LOSING IT.

They're of course using this as a reason to be transphobic. "Trans radicalism is taking over America!" "Trans extremists are justifying the shooting!" "If you didn't believe trans people were insane before, you will now!" SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Not ONCE have I seen a conservative news outlet or public figure speak about the SIX DEAD PEOPLE. Three kids, three teachers. WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THEIR NAMES YET! WHERE'S THE UPROAR ABOUT THAT? WHY HAVE YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT SHOOTINGS BEFORE? WHAT ABOUT THE MICHIGAN STATE ONE? YOU DROPPED THAT REAL FUCKING QUICK. THE COLORADO SPRINGS SHOOTING? YOU KNOW JUST AS WELL AS I DO THAT THE MOTHERFUCKER WAS NOT NON-BINARY, HE WAS A FUCKING NEO-NAZI! WHY ELSE WOULD HE CHANGE HIS IDENTITY TO CISGENDER RIGHT AFTER HIS SENTENCE? YOU DON'T CARE UNTIL IT FUELS YOUR BELIEFS. GROW THE FUCK UP.

Okay, okay, no more yelling. If I'm aggressive it does nothing except give conservatives more ammo to use against transgender people. If I, or any other transgender person, gets angry, suddenly, it's "trans people are aggressive and harmful!" "They don't want equal rights, they want CONTROL!" And that infuriates me.

I've complained enough about the degenerates that run the United States of America. It's now time for me to complain about the paranoia that resides in me because of the degenerates that run the United States of America.