Premonition

Chapter 2

I shove my face further into my pillow and turn up my music (Lone Star by The Front Bottoms). Mom and Sora are fighting again.

I can't remember the last time Mom and Sora got along. It was probably before I came out. Ever since Sora started providing me with gender affirming care, Mom picks a fight with him almost every other day. Dad never says anything, but Mom never talks about anything else. She barely even talks to me.

Sometimes I feel like it's my fault that Mom and Sora don't get along. When Sora was a kid, he was what you would call a "mama's boy." He always was. Mom always favored him to me. I was never a daddy's girl. Well, I wasn't when I identified as one, anyway. And I'm sure as hell not one now. But anyways. When Sora was a kid, Mom gave him anything he wanted, which is funny, because Sora doesn't ask for much. Mom was always occupied with Sora, and I was just in the background. I've always assumed it was because Sora was the only (cis) boy. It's a miracle that Sora didn't grow up to be a spoiled brat. I guess that's because Sora always thought it was unfair that he got special treatment and I didn't.

When I came out as transgender, Sora jumped at the chance to help me out. Mom hated this. She still does. She tells Sora he's "spoiling me" and "ruining my life." Apparently, I'm too young to decide how I dress or if I want my hair short. It's not like I'm doing anything irreversible, like HRT, so I really don't know what her problem is. She and Sora fight about it what seems like every other day. I try to drown it out with music, but I can assume what they're saying.

"That's not your brother. You don't have a brother. You're my only son!" Mom would say in her usual passive-aggressive tone.

"If Saturn says he's not a girl, then he's not a girl. Saturn knows himself best!" Sora would argue.

"Her name isn't Saturn," Mom would begin, "It's-"

Then, she would deadname me. Sora would argue with her further and tell her to please use my preferred name. Mom would refuse. I would hide my head under my pillow, or maybe I would cry. Maybe I would do both. But it doesn't matter. I am pretending I can't hear them.

I lift my head up off my pillow and look at my phone because I heard it buzz. It's a text from Eli.

"hey u got the algebra answers?"

For a second, I don't want to answer. I love Eli, he's my best friend, but I don't have the motivation to tell them yes, get off my bed, go find my algebra homework, take a picture of it, and send it to Eli. I don't want to move.

But I do anyways.

Eli doesn't give a bloody fuck about math. He wants to be a musician one day, so they say, "I don't need math, it's fucking stupid." A part of me doubts that they will never need math, but it's not like my input will change his mind. Eli is very stubborn. You might be thinking that I'm too nice to Eli, but I beg to differ. I give him the algebra homework, and they give me a second home to go to. A home that's actually happy to see me. A home that I belong to. A home that loves me. And if you still don't think that's a fair trade off, Eli buys me stuff all the time. Aside from his stubbornness that he most definitely got from their father, Eli is a great friend and person.

Eli thanks me for the homework answers before going on about something he saw happening in the school hallway. Even though this conversation is over text, I'm still not really listening. I just skim over Eli's texts and respond with variations of "no way" and "oh my god" and "fr?" It's hard to comprehend what I'm reading when I can hear Mom and Sora shouting in the other room. Eli knows about my shitty home life, but I'm not going to interrupt his story by complaining about it.

My door opens.

"Saturn, pack a bag and grab your school stuff. Get in the car," Sora is standing in my doorway as he says this. I sigh.