Premonition

Chapter 5

It's the Monday after my birthday; three days after three random boys in the park decided to beat the crap out of me. Despite my protests, Sora forced me to stay home from school. He hasn't gone to school either, claiming he needs to take care of me. He really doesn't need to, but I appreciate his efforts.

I have been sore since Friday. I'm covered in bruises and scratches, and my limbs feel like they were each individually run over by a pickup truck. If it weren't for Will and Eli saving me (which I still feel guilty about), those boys could've possibly broken a bone or God knows what else.

The identities of my attackers are still unknown. I have no idea if they go to my school, how old they are, or what their names are. And to be honest, I'm content with not knowing who they are as long as I never see them again. I've already prayed, like, eight times to a God I don't believe in that they don't go to my school, and if they do, I won't ever cross paths with them.

I'm lying on my bed as if I'm dying of an illness as a YouTube video plays on my TV. I have been doing this practically all day, barely eating or drinking water.

I hear a soft knock on my door, so I grab my TV remote and pause the video.

"Come in," I call out. Sora, the only other person in the house at the moment, opens the door.

"Hey man," he greets me. "How are you feeling?"

"Eh, I'm alright," I respond with a slight shrug. "I'll be good to go back to school tomorrow. The bruises on my stomach are probably going to stick around for another week or two, but I'll live."

"I'm glad you're feeling a bit better," Sora smiles weakly. "Do you need anything?"

"Nah, I'm good. Thank you though," I smile back.

"Awesome," Sora's smile grows. "If that's the case, I'm going out with Niko. Is that okay?"

Oh.

"Um, yeah, go ahead," I nod, my smile fading. "Have fun."

"Thanks!" Sora exclaims. He doesn't stick around for me to say you're welcome; he turns and leaves and closes my bedroom door behind him. I don't even let myself think about it, I just play my YouTube video and pretend like it's distracting me from the feeling of losing my brother. It is definitely not distracting me.

I hear the front door open and close. Sora left without saying goodbye. How nice of him.

About an hour of me watching YouTube has passed by the time I hear the front door open and close again. What time is it?

I grab my phone and check the time. It's quarter past six, meaning Mom has come home from work. I let out a sigh as I turn off my phone screen and gently place it back on my dresser. With Sora being gone, I fear Mom will try to talk to me.

When I was a kid, I used to wish before bed every night for my mom to notice me. Now I hope and pray she ignores me. Not only would she deadname and misgender me, but she would also begin to lecture me on my gender and sexuality and mental health and how everything is my fault. I'd rather her never talk to me ever again than deal with her lectures.

I hear another knock on my door, but this time I don't even have the chance to speak before the door is opened. I pause my YouTube video. It's Mom.

"Hey," I say quickly, bracing myself for the deadnaming.

"Where's your brother?" she asks immediately, which doesn't really surprise me. She's always cared about Sora more than me.

"He went out with Niko," I reply.

"Niko... that's such an odd name. Why did her parents name her that?" Mom shakes her head disapprovingly.

"Their parents didn't choose it, they did. And Niko isn't a girl, they're non-binary," I correct her, furrowing my eyebrows. Sora told Mom about Niko's gender identity in the past, and it must've gone in one ear and out the other.

"You kids and your made-up genders... Sora finally finds a girl he likes and now you're trying to tell me she's not a girl? Don't give me that," Mom snarls. "There is no such thing as non-binary. Niko – or whatever her real name is – is just a confused tomboy, just like you. You'll both grow out of it."

"Niko and I aren't girls," I reiterate, knowing good and well it's not going to get me anywhere. There's no convincing Mom, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to try. "I'm a boy, Niko is non-binary, that's just how it is."

"You see Elizabeth, that's your problem."

There it is.

The name I hate so much.

"Are you a boy or are you non-binary? When you came out that's what you said – you want to use he/him and they/them pronouns. Even if that B.S. did exist – which it doesn't - you CAN'T be both," Mom's temper is rising. So is mine.

I have tried to explain this to my mom multiple times (while leaving out the part about my it/its pronouns). I can completely understand if she's struggling to understand because it's new to her, but that's the thing – she's not even trying. She's completely ignoring everything I'm saying. She doesn't care.

"I'm transgender, Mom," I say as calmly as I can muster. "I'm a boy. I identify as a boy. But I'm also comfortable with they/them pronouns. But I'm still a boy. That's just how I feel."

"That's not a gender, that's mental illness!" Mom snaps at me. "Your BPD is making you feel like this. You're a GIRL Elizabeth, you came out of my womb that way and you're STAYING that way! The same goes for Sora's girlfriend!"

This makes my blood boil.

As much as I hate Niko, I will never stand for someone being misgendered. You don't have to earn your gender identity.

"Niko and I are NOT GIRLS!" I raise my voice, sitting upright on my bed. "And Niko's not Sora's girlfriend. They're not even DATING! My name is NOT Elizabeth, it's SATURN. I'd at least appreciate if you TRIED to understand!"

"I do understand, I understand that you have a problem. That's why I put you in therapy!" Mom retaliates.

"Therapy isn't going to magically make me cis! I don't feel any different now from when I started!" I argue.

Let it be known that my therapist is very supportive of my sexuality and gender identity, but Mom has no idea about this, because if she did then she would probably find me a new therapist.

"Looks like I'll have to schedule another session," Mom sighs, shaking her head again. "You're getting aggressive again."

"I'm not aggressive, I'm upset," I say, finally calming my voice. I don't know what she means by "aggressive." I'm seriously not aggressive.

"You're upset because you can't handle the truth," Mom glares daggers at me. "You're living in your own delusional world inside your head, Elizabeth. You bitch and moan about being depressed, but you don't even try to be happy. Just try."

I stare at Mom in silence, thousands upon thousands of thoughts running through my head. Why does she think it's that simple? It's not like I haven't tried to be happy, it's that it's hard for me to be happy when my life is so miserable. My dad is never around, my mom hates me, my state's government wants me dead, the majority of my school hates me, and I hate myself. People like to chant about how life gets better, but I'm tired of waiting for it. It honestly feels like it's getting worse, if anything. I'd honestly rather die than continue waiting for it to "get better."

"I wish you were more like your brother," Mom goes on. Usually, this statement would drive me to tears. But considering how pissed and unsurprised I am, tears never come.

"I'm making lasagna for dinner. Then I have to go somewhere," Mom finishes before heading to the kitchen and closing my door behind her.

I continue to stare blankly at the spot where she was standing only ten seconds ago. Am I surprised by any of what Mom said? No, not at all. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I hate her, I really do. But, if I'm being honest, I still sometimes wish for her affection.

Sometimes, I think my mom thinks I'm stupid. And sometimes, I think she's right.