After sunrise part 2

Hopelessly devoted to you

Thursday December 7, 2022:

Killian POV

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It has been five hours. Five long hours.

Jeroen has already made his claim on the only bed in the room, so I am stuck with the couch. Not that I mind. I am not really planning on sleeping anyways. I can't allow myself to take my gaze away from Esmee.

The room is dark because we are supposed to sleep.

We both aren't. Jeroen is just pretending to sleep.

I still sit on the chair next to her bed. Holding her hand and listening to her heartbeat. Both heartbeats.

Her breathing is the only thing that prevents me from madness.

What if she doesn't wake up for month? For years even!

What I am I to do then?

My mind is in so much pain.

Please. I. Just. Want. Her. Too. Wake. Up.

I bite my knuckle and close my eyes.

I hear the bed shift on the other side of the room.

Jeroen stands up and walks over. Taking a seat next to me.

'Can't sleep?' He asks.

I snort, 'Haven't even tried.'

He exhales and looks at his daughter, 'I can't either.'

After a long pause he starts speaking again; 'I've always admired Esmee. She is so wise and knows just what to say. She is smarter than every woman I've ever met.'

'She doesn't want to be...' I mumble.

He looks at me, 'What do you mean?'

I merely shrug, 'She had to be smart to survive. To survive her friends, the divorce, both you and Karla. If she wasn't smart she would have been hurt. And I know well enough that she doesn't allow herself to be hurt. Her intellect is a shield. The point is. She doesn't want a shield, she just wants to be protected.'

Jeroen doesn't speak for at least two minutes and then exhales in sorrow, while crunching down.

'I never thought she felt that way. I thought she could handle everything so fine. She seemed fine.'

'Then she is a better actress than most people give her credit for. When your entire world falls apart, and everybody crumbles into pieces. It can feel like you are the only one holding the ship together.' I speak on her behalf.

He sits back and strokes his beard, 'I never wanted her to think like she was holding us- holding me together. She always listened to my stories and my problems like...'

I look his way as I interrupt him, 'Just because you can share stories, doesn't mean you should. She is your daughter, not your wife nor therapist. And when you deal with bullshit everyday it gets harder to define the boundaries.'

He inhales deeply but doesn't say anything.

I probably pushed a very sensitive button. And if I have to believe Esmee, which I do, he has narcissistic qualities. He must not take criticism very well.

'That is why you are right.' I start.

He turns around and looks my way.

'That I don't deserve her.' I explain, 'She deserves someone who is reliable, stable and who cares for her more than life itself. And I do. I do. She is a gift from God who is there for me every day. I can never repay her back for what she does for me. And that breaks my heart. Or what is left of it. I hope that my love is enough for her. But she deserves so much more.' I sit back and look at Esmee, 'But you know what I realized?'