Bada x Howl: Standing Next to You

XIX. Kiss & Make Up [Explicit] (Howl POV)

Flashback ~2 years ago

"Can you please calm down?"

"Don't tell me to calm down. I've just wasted two years of my life!" Both of them stare wordlessly at each other, Soo Min fuming.

"I wish you wouldn't say that," he says softly.

She looks away, blinking back tears. He was one year into his military service, and they had agreed to stay together. It had been a much harder adjustment than expected, having gone from being together all the time during covid to seeing each other only on intermittent breaks, during which he struggled to balance time with her and his family.

"Maybe it's just timing. That's why I originally thought it might've been better if we had some space while I was in service." Howl initially proposed they break up while he was in service, though she begged him to stay together. Looking back, he wishes he would've trusted his gut.

"But you agreed," she states, almost like an accusation.

He takes a deep breath, guilt creeping in. "I know."

She takes several breaths before meeting his eyes again, her eyes red. "Is it really timing or are you just afraid to say what you really mean? That you don't actually see a future with us?"

He opens his mouth a couple times and closes it, struggling for words. If he were honest with himself, deep down he had doubts even in the first year of their relationship, but he did care for her and didn't want to hurt her. He was willing to at least give it a try, but their relationship deteriorated fast in his first year of service. It was hard for them to stay connected with so little time together, and her anxiety and need for validation increased. When she started talking about their moving in together right after his discharge, alarm bells set off in his mind. He didn't think they would be anywhere ready at that point given where things were going, but she couldn't fathom not living together after a three-year relationship, even if he were largely away two of those years.

"I... think it depends on how things go. This past year has been tough, don't you think?"

She shakes her head, wiping her eyes as tears stream down her face. "I can't believe you're telling me now. This whole time you made me believe that this was going somewhere—"

"But I did try to tell you. I said I thought it'd be better if we—"

"No, you didn't. You keep saying that as if you've been honest with me this whole time, but you haven't. If you had this many doubts, you wouldn't have said all the things you said to me. You shouldn't have agreed to continue things like this if you were just going to waste my time."

She gets up abruptly, the cafe chair screeching against the concrete. "We're done. I don't ever want to see or talk to you again." Soo Min storms off.

She often did this now when they fought, but there was a finality to her tone. that was different this time. Howl stares after her but can't bring himself to go after her this time. He feels waves of emotions...guilt, frustration, sadness. But underneath it all, there is also relief.

*******

Howl feels his heartbeat quicken as he approaches the familiar apartment complex. Their work schedules this past week were unrelenting, and both were too exhausted each night to broach the unresolved tension; thus, they delayed seeing other to delay the conversation. They had been apart for longer periods of time, including the five weeks when she was on tour with Kai, but they always made sure to stay connected emotionally even when physically apart. This was the first time he felt true distance from her.

His sister's advice helped him see things from Bada's perspective. He realized that all the ways he tried to protect her by not over-promising likely scared her as signs he already had doubts. The irony was that by all present accounts, he didn't; she was not only the best partner he ever had but also the best friend. He hopes desperately that they're able to have a more open, heartfelt conversation tonight.