how i loathe growing up,
i remember my 9 year old self looking up to my elder peers and thinking:
when is it my turn?
i wanted to wear lipstick, be of age to purchase sharpies and to strut in heels.
although now,
at the ripe age of 17,
i can confidently say the thought of growing up gnaws my stomach from the inside out.
maybe it's becoming old and withered or maybe it's simply not knowing what my future holds.
but this, the unknown, scares me, in fact it completely consumes me with terror- a similar feeling to drowning, oh so slowly but so surely.
no way out.
not even one single breath of air.
just suffocation.
every single birthday becomes increasingly insignificant, oh so slowly but so surely.
presents.
cake.
money.
and soon enough every day becomes the same, oh so slowly but so surely.
school
homework
sleep
and you think that as a teenager you could look forward to finishing school.
not me.
in fact i'm dreading it.
work.
work.
work.
bills .
bills.
bills.
demands.
expectations.
the unknown.
and when my mother would tell my younger self:
"you truly do not want to grow up",
i would shake my head in utter disagreement and sigh because i thought she never understood me.
although now i see it,
through a fresh pair of lenses,
in the same old me.
