RANTS

2

so um

im back again

bc my lifes getting more and more shitty

but I have a lot to say lol

So about two weeks ago, I got news that my grandma was sick. 

And it's happened to her many times, so I was fine. But then a couple of days later, I found out that she was throwing up everything she ate, and could barely walk. 

And four days ago, I found out she was admitted to a hospital. 

Now before this, here's a bit of background about my grandma. 

I'm the only girl on my dad's side of my family (besides my grandma), so I'm very loved there. But at the same time, they're slightly toxic and trying to brainwash me into certain mindsets. 

So, I'm not a big fan of them. 

But when my grandma had breast cancer in 2018, I literally did not care about how she treated me, because she's my grandma and still my family, right?

So I went to visit her (she lives in a different country) and spent some time with her. Then, she got chemotherapy, beat cancer, and besides having shorter hair, went back to normal. 

And it was all okay after that. 

Until four days ago. 

She'd thrown up blood multiple times, couldn't walk AT ALL, and started having trouble remembering things. 

So obviously, everyone was worried. 

And then came the news. 

The doctors ran a couple of tests, and turns out, my grandma's cancer relapsed. But this time, the aggressive cancer cells had spread to her brain. They'd already spread to her brain, taking over her cerebrum. The doctors said it was only a matter of time before they took out her brainstem, and she stopped breathing. 

The doctors also said she has two months at most, to live. 

I talked to her, yesterday, actually. The left side of her face is almost paralyzed, and she can't talk without slurring her words. 

I've always been close to my grandma. She's the one who pushed me to move on from drawing objects to drawing people when I was unsure of my abilities. She's the one who pushed me to pursue violin. She's done a lot for me and loves me. 

So we're going to visit her. 

Unfortunately, this means I'm gonna miss many important tests, including midterms. Aaaand I've talked to my teachers about it, but due to this stupid new rule, if my absence isn't excused, I get a 0 on all assignments and tests I miss. 

And apparently, the fact that your grandma's dying isn't enough for the school system. 

So i'm gonna get a 0 on the midterm and fail my course. 

And if I withdraw, it'll show up on my transcript. 

UGHHHH I HATE LIFEEEE

And whats worse is

I've tried to explain to my parents

I cant miss midterms

but they said I have to

and my brother

who hasnt even graduated elementary yet

they let him go back early

bc he has "important tests"

HE DOESN'T HAVE MIDTERMS THO???

They care about him more, obviously

bc hes a boy and plays cricket

so that means my academic life isn't important at all

bc im not as important as my little brother. 

this is fucking great. 

my grandma's gonna die, my parents are forgetting I have a life, and my grades are gonna drop. 

and my parents are gonna get mad at ME for getting a 0 on the midterm

fucking amazing

and on top of that

my friend who moved to texas (whos practically a sister to me)

she visits once every 2 or 3 years after she moved

and shes visiting this week, for the first time since 2020. 

and I cant even fucking see her

we had so much planned

but no

now I have to pack

instead of having a sleepover

i hate this so much

I swear to god im gonna kill myself one of these days