Until My Final Breath Escapes~ A Will Ramos Romance~

36. Let It Consume

After Charlotte drifted off, Will randomly woke up in the middle of the night with so many thoughts flooding his head. Will felt guilty that he told Charlotte not to go to Florida when Tyler Nolan offered her a guest spot. He never wanted to be the type of partner to hinder his wife. He was thinking about it non stop, and it was pushing him to crave something to help him sleep and numb the feelings of guilt. He crawled out of bed, careful not to wake Charlotte, and went over to his backpack. He had graduated from beer, back to tequila. It was his vice.

When morning came, he woke up a familiar headache, he knew he had fucked up. He couldn't slip back into this. He felt like he let himself down. And even worse, he was being a terrible partner to Charlotte. He loved her so much and started feeling like she deserved better.

That morning, he called the guys together and they met up in the managers suite to talk.

"I know we only have a few shows left but...I need to be honest. Im not okay. I haven't been okay for weeks." He confessed with his head down and Charlotte rubbed his back to console him. She found the evidence of the previous night in the trash bin and hated that he didn't just wake her up instead. He didn't want to have to regress and resort to numbing his issues with alcohol.

"We know, Will," answered Andrew. They were closest with him and knew he wasn't himself anymore. They were watching him slowly deteriorate for weeks.

Will sighed and rubbed his eyes under his sunglasses that be was wearing to dim the lights. His head was pounding and he was extremely embarrassed. He felt like he was letting everyone down.

Without question, their manager called off the remainder of the tour and Will would end up trying a different rehab clinic this time.

Once she saw him off with a very emotional goodbye, that felt like deja vu she didn't miss, Charlotte flew back to New York to try and continue her day to day while she hoped he could come home healthy again.
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One night, Charlotte just got in the door, resting her purse and mail on Krys' kitchen island. She was absolutely exhausted from an all day session and she couldn't wait to just relax. She had been staying with Krys for a while. Thankfully, she had a spare bedroom that Charlotte was able to move into quickly and it saved her ass.

It had been a few months since she had spoken to Will, but she heard through resources that he had been home and healthy. Krys had been chatting with Austin as they developed a friendship, and Austin updated her often. Austin would have messaged Charlotte but knew everything was still raw and wondered if Charlotte didn't want to speak to him anymore.

Will had decided to get help for his drinking again, and only a few days after they saw him off, he sent Charlotte a letter she never thought she would receive.

It was a letter that cut her deep, and she was just trying her best to heal. He had decided for the both of them that he couldn't continue with their marriage, for her sake. He was being impulsive and not thinking clearly with his sleep deprived mind, but the letter had already been sent in his impulsive state and the damage was done. He thought he was doing her a favor even though a small part of him told him maybe he should wait.

Charlotte received the letter and  of course it devastated her. She didn't even have a say considering he couldn't speak on the phone, and she felt helpless. She came to realize she just had to accept it, no matter how much it killed her. He made up his mind and there was nothing she could do to change it.

Krys was out on a date tonight, so Charlotte just sighed in the silence and went to her room wanting to just relax, even though it was hard to do with her stomach in knots. She longed for Will constantly and was wishing she could fast forward time until she didn't feel anything anymore.

She changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed as she glanced over to the folded piece of paper on the bedside table. It was stained and slightly warped from the dried up tear stains. She reached over and unfolded it to read it again, something she did often. She was hoping one day she would have the strength to throw it away...but her shattered heart convinced her to hold into the last thing that she had from Will. She knew reading it again would be agony but she just sometimes still found it hard to believe that this was real. She scanned the words as she subconsciously played with the wedding ring and band she was now wearing around her neck.

To my beautiful Char,

I wish I could try and put into words how much you mean to me, but truth of the matter is, I could never explain exactly just how much I love you. From the moment I first met you, I knew I couldn't live without you and I had finally found my soulmate. We've been through so much together, and through it all you never left my side. You gave me a beautiful daughter and you showed me that life was worth living. I put you through so many things you didn't deserve and you loved me anyway. For that, I'm forever grateful. I love you so much, that I realize as I'm writing this that I need to let you go.
It's agony to tell you this, but I don't deserve you, and I know that for a fact. I'm leaving to go away, yet again, and you deserve a guy that makes you happy and can be there for you every day like you deserve....someone with no baggage that can give you a wonderful life....I married you selfishly knowing that you are just too good for me Charlotte. I will always know that I'm the most luckiest guy in the universe to even have been able to spend one day with you. I love you so much it really hurts....it hurts us both. You don't deserve it and I don't want to do this to you anymore. I know eventually you will move on from me...and although I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life, you and I both know I've been selfish enough.
I love you forever, and I hope you know that.
-Will

She just folded it back up through misty eyes, trying to fight more tears from spilling and tossed it back onto the nightstand where she should have left it in the first place. She longed for Will and just cried herself to sleep missing him terribly.