Endi~Rebelde

3.

TW!!!!! DRUGS AND RELAPSING IS A DECENTLY BIG TOPIC DUE TO ANDI'S STORY!!! if you don't feel comfortable I totally understand!!!!



I can't look at her. My makeup is still down my face and I look a mess. I want to be with her, but at the same time I don't want to be left picking up the pieces when she has to go back to Brazil. And I can't believe she keeps playing with my feelings and wanting to be with me then doesn't.

She sits next to me and is about to say something when she looks at my face. "Andi have you been crying?"

Obviously she knows I was crying earlier, but I didn't realize it was that apparent that I had never stopped. The tears for me are new. When I was home and my stepdad exploded or my mom screamed at me, I simply drummed ferociously until i couldn't feel my hands anymore. With Emilia it's different. With her I tried drumming out the pain and acting like nothing was happening. I even tried drugs, but my mind wouldn't stop spinning with her name in the center. My whole body ached for her. All I wanted was to be with her and to feel her. I wanted to know that she was okay and that she was happy. And all of that for her to play with my feelings right before she has to go back to Brazil.

"Andi are you alright?," she says as one of her hands reaches over mine and the other wipes my tears. I quickly stand up and start walking to my room. I can't be around her. Not until she knows what she wants. Not until she finds a way to stay. I can't lose her again. My body can't take the pain of the on and off, neither can my sobriety.

"Andi wait" She says picking up her pace and following me. I walk ahead straight towards my room and say nothing in response to her. The closer I hear her get, the more fuel I have to just keep walking. I get to the room and walk straight to the bathroom to take this awful makeup off. I hear the door close as she finally caught up to me. She walks to the doorway to the bathroom and stops there. "Andi what the hell was that?!? You're scaring me!"

"Well you know what scares me Emilia?!? I'm scared that you have to go back to Brazil and i'm gonna be left here to mend what you broke. You don't know what you want, well I do. I want you to be here with me and I can't risk getting into something with you and then you have to leave! I won't be able to stay sober and my body won't make it through a relapse!"  I say yelling at her, all the emotions of her going back are finally boiling over.

"Really Andi! you're scared? How do you think I'm going to feel? I have to go back to a place I haven't lived in for 3 years. I have to go back to my parents that don't give a shit about me and living in poverty where I don't even know when or from where my next meal will come. So yes Andi I've had trouble deciding! And if I remember correctly it was YOU who reported me and YOU who out me at risk of getting me sent back. I gave up the battle of the bands which was my last secure opportunity to stay. Then I was going to have to get a job at the end of the semester, but I was willing to do that. I stole your song. FOR ONE LAST CHANCE TO TO STAY IN MEXICO WITH YOU. I have given up everything for you and to try to stay here and all you have done is jump started my deportation!" that is all she says before turning around and going to the couch. "Emilia you know I never wanted that and you were the o-" I start to stay "No Andi enough" she say climbing onto the couch and staring at her nails and thinking. I'm so sad and so angry at her and myself I can't even think. We are silent for about 15 minutes when she says.

"You know sometimes I miss my parents and my friends back home. Maybe going back to Brazil i- is what's best for the both of us. I- I don't know I just need some space." She says starting to cry. She gets up and starts grabbing her things, thats when my panic sets in. I start to try to grab her things out of her bag frantically, "QUE HACES EMILIA?!? You can't go back! I can't do this without you." She doesn't even look at me. She just keeps grabbing her things quickly as if she is now desperate to get out. I can't breathe and I start to have a panic attack. "Please Emilia I- I can't do this without you. You can't go back please!" I say trying to get her attention, but she ignores me. I start to feel light. I start to get desperate so I grab her hands and force her to look at me. I look at her with tears streaming so fast I can't even see her clearly. "Emilia please don't do this to me!" She looks at me and I can't quite make out her expression whether its because of the tears or her hard to read face, I don't know. 

"I'm not leaving Andi, at least not right now! I'm just going to a hotel" She says grabbing her things and pushing the door open and shutting it. I can't do this. She's not actually considering going back is she? She wouldn't do that to me right? She wouldn't do that to herself right?

 I can't breathe, I cant think. I feel so weak. I sit against our dressers and pull my knees to my chest and cry. I cry so hard I'm almost screaming. I exhaling all the air in my lungs and leaning my shoulders forward with the heaviness of my sob. 

I hear the door slide open with Mj and Jana's voice accompanying it. "Oye Andi I just saw Emilia and she looked upset what happ-" Mj says and then finally lay she eyes on me. They stop in their tracks when they see me. I know I look defeated. My makeup and eyeshadow are still on, my outfit I was gonna wear is still on, and my hair is frizzy from sitting outside and running my fingers through it. Mj runs over and kneels in front of me and starts asking me what happened, while Jana shuts the door and runs next to me. All I can muster up to say is, "Pinche Emilia is thinking of going back to Brazil." Jana's emerald green eyes widen as she hears the news. She has never been a fan of Emilia's, but more recently they have come to a bit of a truce, as Jana understands how much Emilia means to me, which makes this even harder. 

They bring me to stand not saying anything and bring me to the bathroom, they take my makeup off and tell me to take a shower. I can barely muster up an okay. 

After I shower I climb into my bed and stare at the wall. The wall full of pictures of us, drawings I did of her, movie tickets, festival wristbands, even a Brazilian flag. I don't even have anything left in me. No tears, no words, barely any thoughts. I just stare at the wall and think. 

I want to get high. At least when I'm high I think about her without being sad. When I'm high it's just me. If I get high I could completely forget about Emilia for a little while, just a little bit of relief. I knew this would happen. I can't do anymore drugs, I am 30 days sober. I haven't thought about getting high in weeks, but now its so tempting. I grab my phone and put in my password while my hands shake uncontrollably. I click on instagram and scroll to my old chats with my plug. I hover my thumb over the keyboard and start typing. 

Right as I'm typing Mj and Jana climb into my bunk and I quickly delete the message and put the phone down. I look to see them with their pillows and blankets. "What are you guys doing up here?" I say genuinely asking and trying to comprehend what the fuck I was about to do. Mj looks to Jana and smiles, then she turns to me " We figured you wouldn't want to sleep alone." I smile and start to tear up. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the strings that keep me tied down to the Earth. Jana green eyes change seeing me tear up. "I mean we really don't have to it's fine if you don't-" "Ay Jana ven of course you guys can." They climb on either side of me and lay down. "Thank you guys I don't know what I would do without you guys." I say with a yawn. "You'll never have to." Mj says. Jana just squeezes my hand and rubs her thumb in circles till I fall asleep.

A/N - HEYYYY you guys I have been MIA as always and I can't promise that I'm back back, BUT school is almost out so hopefully I will get more free time and I KNOW a lot of you guys have been waiting for another chapter so hereeeeee