ditto | woosan

if the ice cracks

wooyoung's point of view.

my nose was tinted that same pink again from when we skated together. the cold breeze felt inviting, like a tight hug to say "enjoy these moments with every little piece of your heart".
and that i did.

however, i didn't skate that day. i sat atop of the wall and watched san as he gracefully glided across the ice with no intentions of ever stopping.
i was afraid of hurting my leg from crashing into a wall or suffering a huge fall so i stayed put.
but i had just as much fun gazing down upon him than doing it myself.

ice skating felt like flying to me, the sense of freedom and control over yourself had become the best thing to confide in when i felt stressed or anxious.

i also didn't film anything that day. i released that i could just enjoy the moment in real time instead of having to replay the moment back to myself in the future.
that's the whole reason why i carried around a stupid camcorder anyway.
well, number one, it was 2003.
number two, i never felt like i could enjoy any moment when i'm around people. that's why i recorded them. so i can look at them later in the comfort of my own place where i can't be bothered by anyone.

but with san, it felt different. i mean sure i still recorded him, but i recorded him because i thought he was a gift. like the universe had sent him to me for some reason. not like i deserved him.
he always used to tell me
"if the ice cracks, i'll be here to help you up and untie your skates."
i didn't really know what it meant, but somehow i knew he'd be there for me. that's what i gathered, anyway.
it was always the way his eyes sparkled as he saw the little red light flicker on the cam. his eyes were like frozen lakes, if i fell through the cracks i feared i would never come back up for air. it was always the way his hair was softly but perfectly placed on his forehead that accentuated his facial features so beautifully.

watching san felt like watching a fond, distant memory replayed back to me in real time. all the frames put together of different heartfelt moments in my life put together in one human, gliding along the ice.
maybe that's all he was.
a distant memory.
if the sun decided to come out from behind the clouds that day and melt all of the ice, would the water still have memory of him?

but still, i watched him skate his heart away like there was no tomorrow. all of my fears fell into nothing as i admired him.
i think he knew that i liked him. god, i liked him so much.
but 'like' is a weak word. i loved him. i loved that boy more than i could've ever loved anything. i think he was really special. his presence kept me from doing what i feared most. well, for as long as it lasted.
and hell, it'd only been a month. it's like cupid had shot his arrow straight to my heart. i didn't know what to do with myself.

alas, in that moment, i noticed my shoes were untied. i caught a few more moments to look at him, before reaching to my right shoe. as i looked away from san for a moment, i saw the cat again in the corner of my eye. but it stayed.
my head turned back to san.

...

"san?"

...

he was gone.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A/N

hi uwu

:3