Samhain

chapter eighteen: who he is

Wooyoung stumbles out of the clearing and into the dark forest, regretting his choice of outfit as the chill bites through his thin clothes. His breath mists in the cold air, and he wraps his arms around himself as if it would warm the cold feeling coursing through his veins.

Dread hooks into his chest and drags him further away from the lake like a fish caught on a piece of bait. His skin itches. It crawls. Every nerve in his body is on edge. He blinks rapidly, trying to regain his senses.

He's fallen into San's trap – his plan, his game, or whatever the hell it is - and it hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much? He just wants it to stop. Why does it matter whether San cares about him or not?

San has followed him, chased him, making up for the lost time from switching his skates out for his shoes. He hurries behind Wooyoung, leaves and dead foliage crunching under his feet.

Wooyoung turns to see him and shakes his head, trembling.

"No. No. Not you."

He stands at the summit of his breaking point, and every fragile piece of his soul shatters one by one. He is broken. The fate of the world is on his shoulders and he is broken.

This burden is his alone to bear. He hadn't realized how unprepared he was for everything to change. He was even less prepared to see that things already changed.

Wooyoung feels stupid for having wasted so much time, thinking he's deserving of any of the love he feels from the pack members. He's not stupid enough to pretend it isn't love. It's a tentative, messy, uncertain love that he sees in their eyes, pulling him deeper and deeper into their lives.

Why does he deserve this? He isn't ready. Why are they so willing to bring his bruised, broken, cursed soul into their pack?

He's so used to being alone. The road ahead is flooded with dark, murky waters, and this bleak future stretches on for an eternity in front of him. Again, his guilt has found him; grasping at his train of thought, pulling him under.

"Wooyoung, what's gotten into you?" San catches up to him, unquestioningly dragging Wooyoung into his arms and embracing him.

Wooyoung sobs into his chest. He wishes San would say something mean or threaten to kill him like he always does. Hearing his familiar hatred is better than hearing him change.

"I just want to go home." Wooyoung's body heaves as he half-heartedly pushes San away. His grief pours out of him like a flood. "I want to go back."

San doesn't budge, solid as a mountain. He raises a hand to stroke Wooyoung's hair. "I'm sorry. You can't do that."

Comfort. His hug is so, so comforting, but he can't find himself lulled into feeling secure. All the walls of his misdeeds are closing in on him. "I'm trapped here. I'm trapped here no matter what I do."

He's scared. He's scared of dying. Of transforming. Of the possibility that San doesn't actually care for him at all. He's scared of everything he's ever known changing around him. It's only a matter of time before the pack sees him for what he is: a monster.

"Wooyoung, I need you to calm down." San pulls away from him, grabbing his shoulders to stare into his eyes. "We're trying to find a solution."

"No," Wooyoung spits. Calm down. That's the only thing anyone tells him to do. "We've been ice skating and shopping and wishing and wasting our time."

San tightens his grip on Wooyoung's arms to steady his shivering frame. "Will you stop pushing everyone away?"

"It's better this way." Yet as he says this, he gives up on pushing San, feeling incredibly weak.