tw? ed, self harm
i'm old now. i'm 21 to be exact. college has been hard, me and that "boyfriend" broke up after 3 1/2 years, but i'm with someone else now. it's been hard, but making new memories is fun. is nice being with someone who pays attention to me. i never really thought of it that way. i moved back home and im commuting to college now, im a junior btw. one more year and i graduate.
i'm trying to join the army. i don't know why. i guess because its respectable? people think i cant do hard things in life and i want to show them wrong? i dont know to be honest. i'm not even sure its going to work out though, my health has become odd and my doctors think it's because of my anxiety. i really hope so. i'm now a diagnosed hypochondriac with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder along with depression. it's fun i guess. medicines don't work for me, at least nothing i've tried.
i still struggle with my weight. i struggle with the thoughts of self harm and suicide.
i WAS doing okay in high school and a little into college, but i developed panic disorder. i lost a lot of weight. i was sick, but i was pretty. then i got out on meds and gained all of it back and then some. i'm not pretty anymore. i'm fat with stretch marks all over my body.
my boyfriend calls me pretty and i love him for thinking so but i will never believe it. at least not right now. i will only ever be convinced that men want me for one thing, sex. it's sad but it's how i feel. it's really sad actually.
it's dec 26, 2023 at 6 something AM. merry belated christmas
