I wish this would stop. The endless games I play on myself telling me that I am okay when I am being drug down into the depths of the sea wishing someone would notice that I am hurting.
I wish to love someone but for that is my fear. Commitment is the bear trap waiting to catch my leg at the end of my 20's; daring to creep upon me earlier just to provoke the self harm and suicidal thoughts that surround my life.
I wish I had a trigger. I wish one thing in particular triggered my self harm and other negative relatives. But there isn't one. I don't see something and feel like I need to harm myself. I do it out of relaxation. Once I'm clean I'll slowly fall back into my old, horrible habits. I want to know how to stop.
I wish that when people say "I care about you" I believed them. Deep down I know I believe them but my 2nd voice pushes out rationality and tells me they're lying. I want to believe them so bad, I do. I just can't.
I wish that I wasn't bipolar. I say so many things that I do not mean. I have totally pushed away one of my very best friends because I overreacted and let my emotions get the best of me. Now everyone thinks I hate her. I love her dearly even though she's done some pretty shitty things to me, I just want to be like her.
I wish I loved myself. I am horrible person who can't accept anything I do. My body is ugly. My stomach is too big and my thighs are too fat. My arms make me look obese and my double chin is inescapable.
I wish I was dead.
