#Taejin - In My Silence

Chapter 1: Prologue

That the handsome Doctor Kim Seokjin was gay, was something more of a public secret. Though, he never liked to flex and flaunt anything about himself, let alone his private sexual preferences. Seokjin always kept his personal matters in a wrap. But of course, his direct circle of friends knew that fact for sure, while some colleagues had their own guesses, and the rest of his distant acquaintances probably heard that rumor at least once.

But the fact that Doctor Kim Seokjin fell deeply in love with a particular someone, Doctor Kim Taehyung, only one person knew: Doctor Min Yoongi. Not because Seokjin told him about it, but because Yoongi's sharp instinct could see things that even-a-blind-man couldn't. And also, not because Seokjin wasn't close enough with the rest of his small circle of friends to share the news with, but because Kim Taehyung, by chance, was in that exact same circle!

Seokjin hid his feelings very well from others. His long yearning gazes, his hurtful smiles, his deep restrained affection, the gentle and loving acts, his silent selfless sacrifices... He tried hard to mask everything he did as "a good best friend" only. He set his own boundaries, knowing what he could and what he shouldn't do. And being the good friend that he was, Seokjin never crossed the limit.

Being able to see his love every day was both a blessing and a curse. From simply interacting to having to care for Kim Taehyung either as a best friend, as a hyung, or as a sunbae, were definitely making Seokjin happy. But listening (unwillingly!) to all of Taehyung's love stories of his flings and dates, unquestionably made Seokjin suffer in his silence. Yoongi would see Seokjin mildly clenched his jaw and lowered his gaze in absolute defeat. His forced smile wouldn't reach his eyes and his voice would slightly falter, before all went back to his calm and collected facade just as soon.

Then, those damned love stories with faceless strangers would become a misery that Seokjin recalled and remembered in his lonely nights, when he hugged cold and nothingness. The pain that his brain would unconsciously replay in his deep nightmares, over and over again.

If mental wounds should bleed, then Seokjin would be in deep red all over... Covered with bruises and scratches of his unrequited love...

Seokjin's last straw was when he had a one-night stand with a random stranger he met in a bar. He took him to a hotel, and while they had sex and he hugged that stranger from the back, Seokjin's tears fell to his nape and he choked out Taehyung's name...

If any sound should come out of his throat, that would be a heart-wrenching cry of his love's name... Bursting out with all the pain and the agony he had to endure all these years...

Seokjin was well aware that the man under him was not Taehyung... This stranger didn't feel like his love, didn't look like his love, didn't even smell like his love! And Seokjin didn't like it. Didn't want the sex. Didn't want this man or any other random strangers. Didn't like the feeling of having to share his most private act of loving with any other person than the one he truly loved.

He didn't want anybody else...

Seokjin didn't realize how he came to this... to the point that seeing and meeting someone other than Taehyung made him shudder in disgust. To even slightly fling, to bounce and distract himself from Taehyung, let alone to forget that man entirely. Taehyung had grown and rooted deeply within him, never seemed to be removed.

Tired of fighting his feelings, Seokjin just stopped trying and just let himself burn to ashes. Crumble day after day and after day. It gnawed him from the inside with slow torture and constant misery.

He stopped seeing people. Stop dating entirely. He learned to be grateful for the scarcely happy days when he spent his time doing anything with Taehyung as a friend. And resigned to live with the pain for the rest of the dark days, when jealousy and aches were all he felt. Those were the costs of craving for someone he could never have. A straight man who would never see Seokjin more than a mere friend.

... and this had been going on for several years.

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