Why Me?

Chapter Eight

After my little break down I went home. Ethan offer to take me but I passed. I told him "No thank you. I just want to walk and think." He was cool with it and said "Maybe some other time then." I just nodded and left.

Ethan is very nice we talked about a lot, well I talked he listen. It was nice of him to take some time to listen to my problems to my worthless problems it was... sweet of him nobody well apart from my friends have done this.

I don't know what it is about Ethan that makes my heart my soul my whole self feel warmer feel alive. I've haven't felt like this in a while. Does this mean I like him?

Possibly I do? God is giving me another chance to love. Not love but have someone to care and that cares about me again. Or maybe that's all I see, maybe that's all I want is someone to care about me.

But there is the thing that everyone that I see n to love and care about leave my life.

I grabbed a spoon full of cookie dough ice cream my favorite. My parents aren't home like usuall, if they were I wouldn't be eating ice cream my parents hate it when I eat ice cream and any other junk food. I have the most nice and amazing person that always brings me ice cream and hides it for me Lucy.

Lucy is the mate of the house but I love her like an aunt she's amazing. She treats me more like a daughter than my own parents.

You know how sometimes you wonder if your parents hate you or not? Well I wonder that. I feel, lonely afraid, left out, unwanted, worthless, empty, and like I don't matter I could disappear and nobody would notice. I'm not worthy anything or anyone I'm not worth feeling love that's why nobody loves me.

I am not going to lie sometimes I feel like I don't matter to my friends neither. But they've constantly and they constantly told me how much they love me and that I'm like their sister I started to let them in. It did take a while for me to let them in because I was at a point in life were I just didn't want to let anyone in, I didn't even want to get out of the house, go to school, or anything that involved me interacting with other people's presence. I was always caring this dark cloud around with a storm that only I could feel and that was only following me around.

I wasn't ways the way I am now. I use to be a very out going person, I use to play sports, soccer, baseball, and basketball. I even went out to party's, To a lot of them! I use to talk to anyone even if I've just met them. But than my life started to change so I started to build walls that Noone will ever be able to break around me. I started to be darker I started to look at life in a darker way but seeing and seeking the light at the same time.

I was lucky to find this amazing four people in my life that have changed it for good. They slowly broke threw some of my walls but as soon as they were in I closed and build them up again. I'm not letting this people out my life they've help me understand that not everyone is the same and that nobody is alone.

They broke to my walls by talking to me, seating with me. It all started for a group project we had to do for science class and it was in groups and well they already new each other well and than I was the new B in there group Meredith was the first one to accept me into their group.

Sometimes I think that if I wouldn't have found them... I think I probably wouldn't be here...

Six years of my life I've been unhappy, six years that I've thought of suicide, six years of loneliness, six years that I've asked my self "why?" And "What's wrong with me?" "Why do people hate me?". I'm happy now. Not completely but happy.

The night I went to sleep thinking about Ethan.
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I was standing in the middle of the kitchen looking agape mouth fully open jaw hitting the floor not literally. Both faces were familiar but unfamiliar. Confusion and uneasiness came down on my mind.

"Mom," I look at my mother a smile playing on her lips a full smile. "Dad?!" I look at my dad to see the same expression as my mother had. They came to me and hugged me.

To be honest it wasn't a warm hug it was more of an awkward hug that only lasted 3 seconds. I can't feel any warm feelings or anything from them they leave me alone all the time, they never once have been to any of my graduations. How can you love to people that you barely see once a week? How can you love two people that don't care about you? How can I still love this two strangers? I love them they're my parents but sometimes I forget about them.

Maybe that's why I have suck suck a hard time trusting people. I don't remember when was the last time I've had a good trusting conversation with my parents. I'm afraid to be left alone because most of my life I've been left behind and alone by the two people that are supposed to love me and be with me. They're not.
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My father told me once that I was a worthless child. And today he is being... nice.

"There's a suprice for you in the front yard!" My mother said all cheerfully. I walk slowly to the front yard.

Holy mother my jaw literally hit the ground a Mustang a 2015 Mustang. Wait a minute.

"Who's car is that?" I asked, this can't be mine.

"Why yours sweet cheeks." I mentally puke at that.

"I don't know how to drive." Is true I know how to drive motorcycles but I've never been behind a wheel before like an actual car. Well once if you count the time where my grandma let me take her car but I crashed it into the tree.

I saw my father's face fall and my mother stopped smiling. My father Said some very not polite words. He looked angry.

Before this he was all happy and smiley. Wait.

"What are you guys even doing here?" My mother looked at me like I had two heads. "Don't get me wrong is just that is weird you barely come visit."

"Is it bad that I want to see my daughter." Yes.

"No of course not! How long are you staying?" I aske both of them but more directly to my dad. My dad smile a little.

"Two months" he said bringing up two fingers. "Is there a problem?" My father asked seeming as my face felt.

"No! Not at all." I gave them a big fake smile.

Why is it that they always come back in my worst moments.
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I'm not lost nor need anyone to guide me I know we're I'm standing, I'm just standing here broken and closed. All my walls are unbreakable... Specially the ones to my heart.

I don't think I will ever be able to finish up this work, my head is a mess. Every time I try to concentrate I end up think about HIM, he is constantly in my mind, thoughts, and dreams. I don't even know why? I just met this guy we've only had two nice and decent conversations.

He's the only one in my dreams.