The Queen and the Theif

Breaking

I enter my room, and break down in sobs. Tears spring from my eyes starting in drops, then cascading into waves. The pain is rising up my throat as a horrible, pained scream leaves my throat. Blood is coming out of my mouth.
Burning.
Burning.
This hasn't happened since Ezra. I hate this. I almost scream again as the unbearable pain takes me again.
My curse, Physical pain whenever I feel mental pain.
I can't hurt Cassian. He is too kind. Too thoughtful. Too perfect. I can't ruin him too.
My breathing becomes shallow, and I feel bile rising up my throat again.
I can't grow attached to Cassian. My kingdom needs him strong. He doesn't need my problems. I don't want to play the victim because I really am fine. I need to be strong and silent.
The bile rises all the way up as I run to a waste basket. Blood. So much blood.
In the mirror I don't see myself. My eyes have bags, my cheeks are gaunt. I look exactly as I did a month ago. Scotland gave me my color back, finally. I seeped it out of myself again like a leech. I harm myself, because my pain is easier than his. I don't know if I could stand the resentment in his eyes if he found out.
I'm sad, hurt, angry, mad, and disappointed. But you know what? I'll put on a smile and bear it. It will hurt, but I will survive. Cassian will survive without needing to know about what I've done.
I will stand strong with him and rule.

"Cassian!" I call to him, who is seated in the guardian, deeply in conversation with Alexander. His face looks up to see me, and a flash of worry falls over his face at the sight of my gaunt cheeks, and he rushes over.
"Are you ok?" His voice is frantic. My eyes dart across his face. How easy it would be to just tell him right now.
"I am fine" I say. The words almost bring me to tears. "I want to let you know that I need you to run the country for about a while"
Confusion dwells on his face. "Why?"
"Let's call it a trial period." I fake a smile. He unsurely smiles back.