The Queen and the Theif

Broken

Day 1
I walk to my room swiftly, before shutting the doors, and locking them. I take off my makeup and change into my night clothes, before the pain once again takes me. I let it go this time.

Day 2

Day 4
It has been raining almost all of today and I stayed in my room most of the day laying under a mass of pillows and blankets. I'm freezing, but I don't think the hottest ember could warm me. I don't have the energy to do anything.

Day 7

Day 10
"Are you sure you're not ill?" The maid asks through the door, voice full of worry. I have been here for 3 days straight. I've taken my meals, but all I have eaten of them was an apple or two. The world would be better without me. Better with just Cassian.
"Yes, I am fine." I answer, annoyed. "And as your queen I order you to not ask again."
I lie. I am not. I won't be, no matter how hard I try. Not until I'm dead. She wouldn't understand. I'm not sick. I'm not depressed. I'm tired. Mentally tired of the people who do me good, and I have nothing to give back.
In the mirror, I know I don't look fine. My eyebags are growing, my face is getting gaunter. Looking at my body I barely recognise it. I am thin as can be. Too thin.

Day 14
It's 3 in the morning and I'm lying on my bed with my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. Because of the half-darkness in the room, I am starting to see some shapes, or I'm just going crazy from the loneliness and lack of food.
Me and Cassian haven't talked at all. I long for him, I need him. I am touch deprived.

Day 18
Knock, knock. I hear. Knock, knock.
"Go away!" I yell, it comes out strangely harsh.
"Juliette, answer the door!" Cassian's frantic voice sounds
"What are you doing here?" I slam open the door.
Shock coats his face as his eyes slowly skim from my feet to my face, then stop at my face as if in a trance. He walks forward and places a hand on my cheek.
"Juliette..." He closes his eyes "What happened to you?"
I slammed the door and held my face where he touched me.

That night I didn't sleep at all. Just cry and bleed.

Day 24
Cassian won't stop knocking. They fitted me for a wedding dress.
Day 28
Cassian wouldn't stop knocking.
At about 2 am my door was opened and Cassian strode into the room and kissed me. I was ready to let go as it started, but he suddenly took hold of my hips, locking me to him, and dragged me into the room by the waist, and shut the door, pinning me to it as he continued to kiss me. He removed one hand, and wrapped it around mine, pinning both of my hands above my head with his one, the other staying at my waist. His lips were working wonders, making me question my own name.
"Why are you shutting me out?" He said against my lips. "Why is this the only way I can get your attention?" He went back to kissing me
"I'm not," I say, knowing that's a lie, kissing back, I'm desperate for touch. I know I shouldn't be doing this
"You have been locked in your room for four weeks now. You know tomorrow's our wedding?"
I am still at that. I totally forgot. He moved to the bed, and landed on top of me, effectively pinning me down. He gave me one more kiss.
"Now you're trapped. Explain." He said, a bit upset "Tell me why my fiance has been distant."
"Cassian" I said, trying to think of a not incriminating reason. Don't be the villain of another story. Don't victimize yourself. Not again. You're fine. My mind reminded me. "I'm fine. Just needed some alone time."
"Oh, love, I know you're not." He said, in all seriousness. "I can see it in your eyes."
"I can handle it." I said, wishing with all my might I could just tell him."I don't need to bother you with my problems. You don't need that."
Cassian looked hurt for a moment. "Love, I want to be here for you."
"Cassian. You don't understand!" I said, starting to panic, realizing he wasn't going to back down. "I'm fine right now! If I tell you it's all going to come up again, and I'm going to realize all over again the magnitude of what I've done. The only way to hide your heart is to pretend you don't have one at all."
"Love, your heart is easy to see. It's all of you." He said, looking shocked. "And you can't keep everything bunched up all that! It's like a rubber band, you pull, and pull until it snaps and hurts."
"Cassian, do you realize the sheer magnitude of what all I've done!" I said, angry tears staining my face. I was yelling now. I know this reaction is unreasonable, but it's all flowing out. "I have taken thousands of lives! Innocent lives! I never should have existed. The entire world would have been better without me. It still would. I'm ready to leave this world. I am a terrible person. I don't care about people. I don't feel anything half the time, and when I do, I feel too much. I can't feel it. I won't allow myself. Please don't make me feel. I need someone to hate other than me. That won't be a problem when I'm gone."
"No." His own eyes spiked with tears, realization showing in them. "No. No. No. Please just tell me love!"
"No!" I said "You don't need that"
"No! Don't do that! Don't shut me out like every other Goddamn time! I deserve a Goddamn reason that my fiance wants to kill herself!"
"I refuse to hurt another person! I have hurt everyone who has ever cared for me!" I said "I'm going to continue to do so until I'm gone! I am so tired of being the villain. I don't want to tell you because then you're going to be concerned! Treat me differently! Please just let me feel a bit of normality around you! You won't see me fall apart!"
"Answer me!"
"Let me go!"
"No. Tell me! Explain yourself! You showed me happiness Juliette, then you left me alone to run a kingdom that isn't mine with no experience. You took all my happiness away, and you took yourself away! You hurt me Juliette. Horribly. I blamed myself- and when I saw you looking like a dead woman-"
I needed to leave. Leave it all. I backed away. More like I tried to back away, I tried to back away, then broke. Broken. When I saw the look Cassian was giving me, like he cared. That was enough to let me know I was going to break him, accidentally. This boy, who cared, was going to destroy him by accident. I already have. That is the worst part. All those sleepless nights trying not to hurt him, I ended up hurting him worst of all. Heart wrenching, horrible, all consuming pain filled me, and I spilled everything
"Ezra," I said. Regret. Regret, Regret. "I used to think he killed my father."
"What!" Cassian said, suddenly enraged. "That fu-"
"Cassian!" I said sobbing. Hate. Hate. Hate.  "I found out he didn't do it before we left" I swallowed back a tear. "I spent two years spending my time, my childhood, killing innocent people, because of resentment for something, the only person who's truly cared for me, didn't actually do."
He suddenly flipped us, so I was on top. Then he did what I least expected. He hugged me. Not a fake 'I'm sorry that happened'. He hugged me like he hated that it happened, and this is the only way he could think to help. He hugged so tight that it felt like his kisses. All encompassing. Perfect. The only thing you could think of. Addictive.
"I'm so sorry," He whispered to me.
"No. Don't be sorry. Be sorry for the people I've murdered. Be sorry that I exist."That's when the tears started to fall. Why does it feel like he cares? Why do I want to get attached? He looked at me, eyes full of something unreadable.
"I can't pretend I know what you're going through. All I can promise is that I'll be here for you when you need it."
"No, no, no, no, no! This isn't supposed to happen! You're supposed to be disgusted by me. Hate me! You're supposed to be horrible!"
I want to cry a hundred thousand tears. One for each heart I have broken. A solid line of tears streamed down my face. Cassian let me cry in his arms until I was done. Forcing myself to stop, or I truly would cry a hundred thousand.
After Cassian saw I was done, we lifted our faces and I looked at him, brought his head to mine, and  kissed my tears, as if saying 'these are mine now'.
Right as I fell asleep he whispered, "You're my silver, Love. Because nothing gold can stay."