The Love You Want (sleep token fic - Polyvessels)

II: Part Three

Conversation flows more easily now when both are healthy, but Vessel is as quiet as ever, movements limited and gaze low. A particular incident, on one of Vessel's bad days, where II raised his arms too high, too quickly, while stretching, sent Vessel into a panic attack, all six of Vessel's eyes following every minute movement of II's hands. It filled II with rage, to see Vessel cringe back, expecting to be hit. To see the expectation, the acceptance.

II spoke through clenched teeth, reassuring Vessel, pushing sincerity down the bond, trying desperately to overwhelm the sheer hate filling II up to the brim, that he would never, ever hurt Vessel for any reason. They sat there on the floor for hours as Vessel cried, unable to allow II to touch him as he flinched back from every movement, apology after apology as II tried not to let himself cry so fiercely in the face of Vessel's terror, wanting to help him more than anything else. It took time for Vessel to calm down enough, to think past the fear, and let II wipe Vessel's tears as they flowed freely, slipping under the bottom rim of the other man's mask that he placed back on as soon as he slid to the floor in terror. It was one of II's biggest regrets so far, even if he knows it wasn't his fault, that this was the aftermath of everyone who'd ever hurt Vessel coming to the surface. Vessel had cried and cried, so many golden tears it could've filled the altar room twice over, silent sobs through parted lips as Vessel apologized over and over and over for something he never clarified. It broke II's heart to see the other man like this. To have Vessel come to him later that night, arms held close, bleeding as he apologized then, too, with such sad eyes and guilt flooding the bond. II had bandaged his arms up, asked if there were any more, and let Vessel rest his head in his lap as he let II's gentle fingers play with his hair and hum him a tune off-key. Waking up the morning after had been a nightmare for their muscles, stiff from the uncomfortable positions, but it had been worth it to be able to comfort Vessel when the other man had made the first move to receive that comfort.

II learns that Vessel enjoys documentaries and educational books, particularly ones about older architecture and marine biology, and makes it a point to buy the taller man a new one every week as Vessel is quick to consume each one. Vessel runs out of space on his floor quickly, and II finally says enough is enough to the clutter when Vessel trips over a too-high stack of books and slams his forehead into his doorknob as Elvira stares from Vessel's bed with laughing eyes. The noise summons a startled II, who is reassured by Vessel that everything was fine. It was not fine, II thought, but could overlook it since Vessel seemed so genuinely unbothered by the situation with a small smile on his face that melted II's heart to witness.

The next day, II and Vessel come home with a rickety bookshelf they found at a thrift store that II gently bullied, coerced if you will, Vessel into agreeing to buy. It fills quickly with books from each of them, Vessel's educational books and II's classic horror, but also each man's collection of CD's and vinyl's. A month later, and they need another bookshelf, and the second one is much sturdier than the first. II assured Vessel he didn't need to go with him, to the store or inside, but Vessel insisted, and so II led Vessel on a quest to find what they were looking for, holding hands tightly, or letting Vessel hold onto the hem or sleeve of his shirt.

II still has nightmares. At first, both were hesitant to talk about it, but Vessel caved first, to the surprise of both of them. A gentle, hesitant offer was sent down the bond, and II couldn't refuse. Within moments, he was at Vessel's door, holding an irritated Elvira in one arm and his pillow in the other.

Vessel is sorely tempted to eat II's nightmares but fears invading his privacy even further. It feels cruel, to be able to get rid of something so terrible but unable to force himself to do it, no matter how he longs for the taste.

It was the first time Vessel let II rest his head on his thigh. Over time, II goes to Vessel every night, seeking the other man's presence and assurance when II wakes up shaking, sobbing, unable to escape the pain in his chest from the knife sliding in. Vessel holds his hand and rubs circles into his back, both longing to hold one another but well aware that Vessel won't let him close enough. II is as content with what Vessel will allow as he can be when he longs to embrace him, to care for him and show him the affection he deserves. Vessel will read the books II bought him, and II will struggle to stay awake, to listen to the soothing calm of Vessel's voice as he reads the most boring book imaginable. When Vessel's fingers brush along the pointed tip of II's ears, a shiver runs down his spine, the touch like a lightning strike.