I Can't Do This Anymore

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Every night I wake up drowning in my own sweat. In my own tears. At first, the others were concerned, but learned to sleep through it. Katie watches me, shakes her head, and rolls over.

She knows how I feel, she just doesn't want to be my DJ. She must not think I deserve one... or maybe she just wants me to feel the abandonment we left her with.

I would too, but I still want the old Katie back. The two of us didn't talk much before, but when we did, it was nothing but pleasant. Now, she just stares, judges, and makes a few remarks before walking away. I tend to find her staring out the window, longingly into the woods. Those woods stole the greatest things in her life.

Sometimes I wonder if she's afraid of them, or if she wants to become one with them. To become a part of the greenery, a feast for the wildlife. Until we find his body though, she probably won't truly believe he's dead... unlike Sadie. She watched Sadie die with her own two eyes. She watched every detail.

That could have been me if I didn't turn my back on him.

I wish we could talk... Katie and I would have so much to connect over... so much to discuss to help each other through this, but now I'm afraid we'll die trying.

Sure, Leshawna is sweet, but now that Harold's gone, any hope she had left is gone. Even if we get on the topic of hypotheticals, she looks away, afraid to even entertain herself with the possibility, because whenever she does, it bites her in the butt.

Courtney would probably be my best bet, but she's always with Duncan... when she isn't though, the two of us have a solid relationship. She's sweet under her tough "CIT" exterior.

Eva and Heather are just impossible to talk to though. Heather is fun to talk to occasionally, but when it comes to serious stuff, she'll just listen and stare at you like she's silently judging... if you're lucky. Sometimes she'll just pull out a magazine or something. Eva on the other hand just doesn't talk about that sort of thing. Noah and Izzy somehow managed to drag it out of her, but now that she's without that connection, she kinda just follows the group.

Don't even get me started on the guys. Cody is sweet and understanding, but I still find it awkward talking to him like that after he was obsessed with me. Then Duncan, while he seems cool, is a total bitch. It's one thing to have a rough exterior, but when you leave someone to die and practically laugh about it, it's hard to trust him with anything. I don't understand what Courtney see's in him, she can do so much better.

Every morning I get up and wonder who's going to die today. In a matter of seconds, the group can become even more overcome with grief. Each death is another twist of the dagger through the heart. There's only 8 of us left. 14 people dead in 33 days. In some ways, it doesn't feel too crazy, but once you lived through it... watched every single person you've grown close with perish... it's hard not to feel the guilt. Especially when you had a Trent...

After waking up in the middle of the night last night, I struggled a little more to fall asleep, so it shouldn't be shocking that once the sun rose, I was wide awake and dressed for the day. In fact, I was up early enough to see Eva leave for her morning jog. I wonder how she manages to stay in the right head space to get herself to do that.

Besides an early wake up call though, it was truly one of those days where I was just going through the motions without a word with anyone. There were no questionable stories from Izzy or yoga stretches with Bridgette. I didn't even see Courtney and Duncan walking out of the woods together acting as if they had a secret none of us were in on.

Today was Katie and Heather's turn to make breakfast, which meant that they both made completely different things on opposite sides of the room. I tapped the table as I thought of an array of things in between checking on the two of them. If I'm being honest, after an hour of the fact, I couldn't tell you what they made. It was bland and flavorless and might as well have been air, but a meal's a meal I suppose...

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