Journal 2024

January 10th, 2024

I wake up every morning with a heavy feeling in my chest, a sensation that gets more discouraging with each passing day.

It's as if a cloud of emptiness looms above me, casting it's perpetual shadow over my heart.

I can't remember the last time I genuinely felt any emotions, and now it feels as if I'll never experience them again.

Life has become a routine, filled with colors that have lost their vividness.

Relationships once filled moment with laughter and happiness, but now they seem distant, ephemeral memories of a time I can no longer reach.

I try to hold onto those memories, desperately holding out hope that I might recapture the essence of what it means to feel alive.

Everyday I put on a mask, pretending that everything is fine.

I smile when expected, laugh at jokes, and go through motions as society expects.

But inside, I feel more like an observer, detached from the vibrant world that surrounds me.

It's as though I'm stuck inside my own personal twilight, where the sun never rises, and the moon never sets.

Once upon a time, emotions colored my world beautifully, with affection, joy, sorrow, and everything in between.

Love brought butterflies to my stomach, while laughter filled my lungs with refreshing air.

But something shifted inside me, an indescribable moment when the colors faded away, leaving me trapped in a monochromatic existence.

I accept this numbness now, after years of searching for a remedy that never seemed to come.

it's daunting to accept that I will forever be a stranger to emotions, that my heart will never beat with fervor again.

But perhaps, in this bitter acceptance, there lies a small glimmer of freedom.

Without emotions clouding my judgment, I've developed a unique perspective on life, almost as if I exist outside the mundane realm of routine emotions.

I become the observer, noticing details others often overlook.

I marvel at the intricate patterns of falling raindrops, the way the wind whispers secrets across tall grass, and the joy hidden within the wrinkles on an old mans face.

This newfound visionary perspective allows me to see the world through a different lens.

It's as though I've unlocked a dormant creativity, one that breathes life into the mundane.

I notice the small miracles that occur everyday, the subtle beauty that exists even in the bleakest of moments.

And in this vision, I discover solace.

Although I may never feel the warmth of love or exhilaration of pure happiness again, I've embraced a different kind of emotion-one that resonates within my soul.

It's the bittersweet blend of acceptance and gratitude, the subtle yet powerful notion that life is worth living even through the absence of traditional emotions.

So, as I navigate through this existence with no emotions coursing through my veins, I've found my sanctuary in the beauty of the ordinary.

I will forever choose to be the eternal observer, appreciating the world in all it's complexities while accepting my role as the catalyst for my own visionary creativity.

For even though emotions may elude me, I am still capable of finding purpose and truth admits the subdued hues of my monochromatic reality.