ʙᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ᴅᴇꜱɪʀᴇꜱ

Chapter 5

Amelia

As we navigated the wide boulevards, the lights around us seemed like shooting stars, and we like space travelers exploring space. My drunkenness mixed with bouts of fear and excitement, and I questioned my composure and sanity.

For the first time I was riding on a motorcycle, plus with a total stranger, who, putting aside my romantic idealization of him, could be a seriously disturbed guy.

But none of that mattered now. My brain was on hiatus as I enjoyed this otherworldly ride.

Under my palms, his body was as solid as a rock, and for the first time I enjoyed my recklessness.

The wind stopped blowing and the brakes began to scratch the gray asphalt. We stopped in front of my building. Somehow I separated myself from his back and tried to brush my hair back with my nails.

I tried somehow to get off the motorcycle, twisting in all directions, but I didn't succeed. At one point he turned around and I'm not even aware of how he picked me up with his overly strong arms, turned me around and positioned me in front of him.

I was sitting on the tank, slightly taller than him. My hands were resting on his chest, and even the leather material was between my palms and his body, I felt all the firmness and rapid breathing of his being. My otherwise tight dress was pulled far above my thighs revealing the lacy material of my halters, which he also noticed, casting his armored gaze downwards.

His hands were firmly on my waist and his gentle pressure made my heart feel tight against my chest.

A normal person would not, in the first place, get on a motorcycle with a man she doesn't know who, by all accounts, might be stalking her, let alone be fucking turned on by the situation in which she found herself.

I blame the books I read and the unsound romanticization of morally gray men..

I started to raise my hand to open the visor on his helmet, but was soon thwarted in my intentions when he stopped my hand with his and shook his head in disapproval.

His grip was a little tight, but I didn't mind it at the moment. At that moment, all my powers of judgment were numbed by alcohol.

The only thing that was really alive in me was an indescribable desire. Scattered and raw. Almost animalistic.

At the very thought of the previous words, his image flashed through my mind and his name vibrated on my lips.

Fucking Mr. Raw.

I wasn't sure if I just said that out loud, but judging by the momentary change in his posture and the fact that my black shadow lowered me to the ground, I believe I did.

He wasn't even aware that I didn't say that about him.

Before I could say anything to him, the thunderous sound of the engine swirled in my ears and he became just one of the lights on the road.

I was left with my lips agape, my body numb and my thoughts changing at the speed of light, although I no longer remember their flow. I just remember that everything was getting blurrier and slower, my clumsy walking and the last thing I remember is the soft and warm comfort of my bed and the words I mumbled more to myself than I actually said them out loud.

"Would a person who overthinks do this?"

"A person who thinks too much would not, but a person who is fucking disturbed and doesn't care about its own life- definitely would."

I said to myself in the morning leaning over a huge coffee mug and hangover meds, unable to comprehend the extent of my craziness last night. I had the feeling that someone had taken over my body, because I simply wouldn't do that even in my madness. Unless I was crazy. Which I certainly was.

My sensitive ears were pierced by the sound of the bell. I lazily dragged myself to the door and looked through the peephole. Outside my door was Brooke with huge black sunglasses, a messy bun and clearly still hungover.

"Open the door gorgeous, don't make me wait all day in front of the door."

I unlocked the door and her recognizably honest and open character welcomed me.

"You look like shit, please take this."

She said twisting her mouth and pushed me a paper bag with the smell of food seeping through the holes and finding its way to my sensitive sensory receptors.

"You know that a hangover is best cured with food."

She said taking off her glasses and throwing herself onto the sofa, burying her body into the countless pillows behind her back.

"Brooke, I did a terrible thing."

I said falling down next to her and drapping my arms over her stomach.

"Spill the beans honey but, surely it can't be worse than what happened to me."

I suddenly stood up and sat next to her.

"What happened to you Brooke, are you okay?"

''Depends on how you look at it. Physically I'm ok, but my ego is broken. Your friend Gabriel and I were making out like maniacs, it was s intense that I thought we were going to get laid in the middle of the club. His hand was in my panties, for crying out loud!''

Then she threw herself back into the sea of soft plush pillows.

''But he suddenly pulled back as if burned, and his expression was hard and serious. He wasn't looking at me, but at someone on the side. Then he turned to me, apologized and left.''

She covered her face with her palms.

"I felt so bad and embarrassed. That happened not long after you left, and I was really sorry that you weren't there. I needed you so much.''

Some strange feeling twirled in my stomach at her words and my throat went dry.

"I'm sorry Brooke, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

I came up and hugged her.

''I feel so miserable. He must have thought I was easy and ran away. And you know that after everything that happened with Jack a few months ago, I haven't gone out even on a date with anyone. And Gabriel instilled some confidence in me and won me over with his charm, and look what happened in the end.''

"Don't worry, there's definitely a logical explanation for all of that."

I stroked her hair. Brooke squirmed out of my arms and wiped away a few tears that ran down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, please tell me what happened to you. I totally cut you off and took over your show here.''

She said smiling as her eyes bathed in salty tears.

In a moment, a brake was activated in me and the words just couldn't find their way to my lips. That feeling in my stomach crept even deeper into my body.

"You know what, nothing special happened. Silly me and my drunken adventures.''

"I want to hear them all honey, I'm sorry I didn't want to interrupt you."

"Don't worry Brooks, indulge yourself in this delicious comfort food now and we can continue later."

I, on the other hand, could not eat anything. My thoughts were eating themselves. 

I just wanted this weekend to go by fast so I can bury my head in work first thing on monday, just to get away from myself. But the truth is that you can run away from everything, but never from your shadow.