Discovering Freedom

Chapter 13

"Mama! You got me!" I laughed as Mama grabbed me around the middle and holding me in the air smiling.

Gently she sets me on the ground and I run off at a sprint once again, loving our game. Once again she caught me and swung me through the air before sinking to the floor cradling me in her arms. I felt safe and comfortable. Mama made daisy chains while singing softly to me.

Soon my three year old self sleepily settled into her arms and fell asleep with a murmured question on my lips "Can we play again tomorrow?"

"Yes we can." Mama replies but I never heard her, I was already asleep.

I wake to find myself beneath a blanket but keep my eyes closed as I enjoy the warmth of the sun resting on me. I feel different but a good different, lighter somehow as if a huge weight has been lifted or letting out a huge breath that I've been holding for too long.

I reach for the tunic I had discarded last night which is now drying in the sunshine. I feel my cheeks go warm at the memory, now seeing it in the light of day I feel slightly embarrassed at my half nakedness. Quickly I pull on my shirt before Talib returns as I can't see him in the immediate area.

I hear a rustle and stiffen. I turn to see Talib returning through some bushes. His face flushes slightly red when he sees me. I finish packing the blanket onto my horse refusing to meet his eye.

I jump onto my horse and set off not bothering to wait for Talib to follow.

Frantically I try and rebuild the walls around my heart but they only build half as high and crumbly like the lightest of touches will shatter it.

I won't let him in again even my own brother could break the walls. Not in my entire life has my brother seen me cry but in one night Talib held me while I cried the most I had in my entire life. It shows weakness and if I show weakness how am I supposed to kill Tamarack?

I try to shut down. I school my face into a blank mask. I don't say a word.

We set up camp in silence. Every time I catch Talib's eye he lowers his and blushes furiously. Sometimes I can feel his eyes boring through the fabric of my tunic to where my scars lie.

We sit and stare into the fire. This time the silence is awkward. Talib keeps looking like he is about to break it but thinks better of it and doesn't. I'm tempted to tell him to just spit it out already but I keep my silence.

"Look I'm sorry, I had no idea." Talib begins to say softly, he sounded like he actually cared but for once I don't want to believe it "I don't know if you were aware but last night you were muttering things I couldn't make out but just before you fell asleep you asked me who I lost..." he trails off.

I stay silent. He waits for me to say something. I don't.

"I lost my little sister," he pauses briefly pain flashing across his face before becoming carefully blank.

"We were in the market. I was stealing some bread from the baker. I turned my back for one second. Just one second," a hint of frustration enters his voice when he says 'one second' "She thought she'd help and went to try and steal some apples but got caught." His eyes glaze over recalling the events of his past not seeing the fire but whatever happened to his little sister "I saw the guards coming, I ran but not fast enough. They had her. They dragged her into an alley. I got there and they saw me and grabbed me. I struggled and tried to get her away from them but they were too strong. They slit her throat in front of me." his words falter as he brings the back of his hand to his mouth and closing his eyes at the memory.

I want to comfort him, hold him in my arms and tell him everything will be alright but how can I say that to him when I don't even believe it myself. Now I know, he was right I didn't know what had happened to him in his life but now I understand why he didn't tell me the night in the clearing, the memory hurt too much. He's moved on and let it go but the memory still hurts. I understand pain.

"I joined because I don't want anyone else to lose anymore loved ones." he chokes out.

I could tell he meant it, not like me.' I used it as an excuse' I think bitterly as anger clouds my features.

He quickly collects himself. I wish I could be better but I don't know any other way. I turn away in shame and stand to walk into the darkness leaving the light and Talib behind.