A Gentle Touch (Sawyer Fredericks Fanfiction)

Chapter Sixteen

Sawyer's POV

We were at the hospital. Violet was in emergency surgery. She would be getting moved to the ICU after it ended. That is, if she made it. I didn't want to think like that but I couldn't help it. I was in one of the bathrooms that are for one person. I had locked the door. I was hoping Aric or Skylar wouldn't come in here. They know how to pick a lock and I didn't want them to see what I was doing. When I was in the ER surgery hallway I found a knife on a tray of instruments just outside the surgery room. I had grabbed it. I had it in the bathroom with me. I had my hoodie off and my arms were revealed thanks to my T-Shirt. I looked at them. They were untouched. Not a scar, bump, or bruise. I could never understand why Violet cut herself but now I know. Now I know what she meant by triggering. Now I could relate to a song I wrote. Out My Window it was called. I held the knife in my right hand and placed it to my left arm. I sucked in a breath and I did it. I cut a long slice from my wrist to the bend of my arm. It wasn't that deep but it was bleeding. I made another cut. This one shorter. I kept making more and more and I couldn't stop. I heard a knock at the door.

"Sawyer? It's Aric, open up!"

It was my brother. I started to panic but I couldn't stop cutting. I finally understood. I finally got why so many people did it. Only this time, I wanted to die. I started to sob.

"Sawyer?! Open the door!" Aric yelled.

I only cried harder and cut faster. He started to pound on the door. I could hear the lock shake. I knew he had found two paper clips. I only tried to cut even faster. If I did, maybe I would be gone before he got in. My cries became even louder. That's when the door burst open and I heard a gasp. I was standing by the sink trying so hard to cut as fast as I could.

"Sawyer, what the hell are you doing?" Aric yelled.

He lunged for the knife but I ducked away from him. I was still cutting.

"MOM, DAD, SKYLAR, I NEED HELP NOW!" He screamed.

My parents came running in along with Skylar. They stood there shocked. Skylar and Aric pinned me down and my dad grabbed the knife away from me. I had never cried this much in my life. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to die so badly. My arm was bleeding but none of the cuts were deep enough to kill me. I was struggling against their grasp but they wouldn't let up. It was two against one and eventually I didn't have the strength anymore. I finally gave up and buried my face in my hands. They slowly started to let go of me and when they did I curled up into a ball on the floor. I didn't know how much pain Violet actually felt when she did this. My arm was killing me. It was stinging pain and I just wanted it to end. I could hear my mom crying. My brothers walked back with her.

"You three go back with your dad. I'll stay with him." I heard my mom tell them.

I heard them leave. My mom walked over to me and placed her hand on my back and I curled up even tighter. My sobs had turned to wails. At this point they were like screams. I didn't want to disturb the people but I couldn't help it. I felt my mom get up and she shut the door to muffle the sound. She came back over to me and started to rub my back. It was a soft gentle touch. There was a knock at the door and she got up and opened it. I heard her gasp and she left the room. I though I was all alone until I felt somebody playing with my hair. I decided to take my chance and look up. Violet was sitting there in a hospital gown. Her oxygen tube in her nose. She looked terrible but she was there. I wanted to jump for joy. I was so happy to see her alive. But I could barely move. I started babbling.

"Let me die, I want to die, I thought you were dead, oh Violet I love you so much, I'm so sorry, I let you down, this was all my fault, please just let me die, I'm so sorry Violet, I deserve to die, please let me die!" I started to ramble.

"Shh. Sawyer it's ok. I'm right here. I'm alive. It's not your fault. I love you too. You don't deserve to die. Calm down. It's ok. Shh." She responded.

She started to rub my back and was shushing me. I couldn't stop rambling and crying. I never thought it would be like this. I always thought it would be me comforting her but today was different. My wails were slowly beginning to let up and eventually they were just gentle cries. I still felt numb but I was able to sit up. I finally get why Violet never wanted to make eye contact. She seemed to understand though and just pulled me into s hug instead. I hugged her back. I planted small kisses all over the top of her head. I was ecstatic that she was alive but I still was so depressed. I kept crying. I wasn't wailing. My cries had gone quiet and they were reduced to a gentle river of tears. She eventually pulled away from me and looked at my arm shocked. She traced a long cut. It was the first one I had made and I flinched back.

"It hurts doesn't it?" She said more like a statement than a question. "I've become immune to the pain. Mp lease don't do this again. It will become an addiction that's harder to stop than quitting smoking." She kissed my arm softly.

"I thought you wanted to live, I w-was sure you weren't going to make it, w-why did you s-s-swallow the pills?" I asked, trying to regain my composure.

She put her hand on my cheek and kissed my lips softly.

"I had taken them before I went to the barn, in case I chickened out with the knife. I was so disoriented that I forgot about it until I was in a coma. I saw my parents Sawyer. They were in a tunnel of light and the light was dancing around me. I felt their hug again. They said it was my choice whether I stayed or left. I said I wanted to be with them and the light danced faster. When I said I couldn't leave you it stopped. I touched it softly and my finger felt dead. I said goodbye to my parents. Sawyer, I chose to stay. I love you to much to leave you now." She told me.

I was speechless, and she knew it. She leaned in and gave me a kiss. I started to kiss back. Our lips moved together and I was feeling complete again. We eventually had to come up for air so I asked her my next question.

"Why aren't you in the ICU? I thought they were doing emergency surgery, how are you ok?" I asked.

"They did some tests before they did the operation and they said I was normal and didn't need it. They are keeping me here for three night just to make sure I'm stable."

I was overjoyed. I knew I would have to face my parents though. I was so nervous about it. She took my hand and we stood up and made our way to the door. She gave my hand a little squeeze and we headed out towards the waiting room.