This lust is a burden (that we both share)

Buck

Buck doesn't dream anymore.
It's true, he doesn't. At least, not since he got stuck by lighting, died and brought back to life.

He used to dream, back when he was younger and life hadn't been too rough on him yet. He dreamed as a child like most people do. He had the same confusing dreams throughout his teenage years that woke him up in a mix of shame and confusion. He dreamed all throughout his early twenties, when his life was as far away as possible from what some people, but not Buck, would call home. When he was way from the Buckleys,  driving from one state (or sometimes countries) to the other. Back when he was only sending postcards to Maddie and to Maddie alone. Back then, he used to dream. Hell, he dreamed every night.

He'd dream of meet-cutes with some celebrity in a club. He'd dream that they'd end up falling madly in love and spend their whole lives on red carpets and on holidays. Buck would dream of being a finalist in a cooking show and winning the first prize or being at the top of Mount Everest on some high stake expeditions where he'd save everyone and be the hero. Normal, ordinary, mundane, dreams.

But ever since becoming a firefighter, dreaming's been hard for Buck. At first, he'd come home to this makeshift frat house that was always messy and full of people he didnt know. Then, he'd find his way back to Abby's empty apartment or Chimney's spare room or even all the ebay to Maddie's couch. Back then, work would exhaust him so much that he'd simply crash down and fall asleep right away. If he could remember the dreams that he had, those were simple and insignificant, sometimes, on some rare occasions, they'd be... horny. Truth be told, Buck's dreams used to be boring and ordinary as they did not woke him up in panic or crying his heart out.

Unfortunately for him, Buck's new reality meant a dreamless reality. Ever since he lost his first patient on a call, ever since he found out about the smell of burnt skin, knew the feeling of breaking someone's rib as you try to reanimate them, ever since that place crash at teh beach were he thought he might've lost Bobby and had actually never seen this many dead people in the same place before, ever since then, soundless nights of good, plain and simple dreams occurred less and less for him.

When he fell for Abby, for a moment there he started to dream again. Not of her or even of them together, but he would still have the occasional dream that he'd get to remember the morning after. Some days, when work hadn't been too demanding on his body or too traumatizing to his mind, days where he didnt have it in him to worry about Abby or about her mom, BUck's mind allowed him a dream or two.

Then, Abby left.  And where Abby left, Maddie came back into his life.

Going through the heartbreak of losing what he naively though was the love of his life, in addition tot he anxiety produced by his sister's come back (the fact that she was clearly running away from something haunted Buck) did not help BUck dreaming. MOre than anything, it kept him up most nights.

Then, Eddie came into his life.

And it wasn't like Eddie helped Buck dream again. Not really. Not at first.
It's now a notoriously funny joke at the 118 about how cocky Buck was when Eddie first got there. It was hard to believe that for their first few shifts, Buck and Eddie were not attached to the hip.
It's a well-known fact now that Buck did not like Eddie in the beginning. Or at the very least, Buck did not show any signs of liking him.
But Buck knew something they didn't. He could barely admit it to himself, but even back then, he hated how much he disliked Eddie. Because there he was, smiling and with sparkling eyes, oh so ready to work and even so eager to know everyone, to know him .

Back then, Buck wanted to like him, he just couldn't. Not when he was clearly a replacement for him. He knew it. Buck knew that Bobby would grow tired of him after a while, and it was clear to him that while Eddie was the type of guy to do the dangerous thing on the job, Buck knew that at least Eddie wasn't the kind to be reckless or stupid about it. That was Buck's thing.
So of course Bobby specifically asked Eddie Diaz, recipient of the freaking silver star, to join the 118. What had Buck done, except steal engines and almost axing babies stuck in pipes?