Butterfly Black

Psych.W.

Absolute hell...

Somebody out there really doesn't like me, I'm stuck again in a room empty of people I like, and people that look like there in a lot of pain, it's umberably heavy here I can't take it anymore worst thing is I put myself here, how ironic is that? I want out almost as badly as I want in.

Please someone just let me go Iv'e been codeled by my mother and abused by my father for long enough, am I enough? I really don't want to belong to this world ever again.

I wanna disapear in everlasting bliss I want peace, love and kindness. I know Iv'e put into this world but it's obviously not enough it's never enough.

Silence has never been so drowning I rember when it use to be peaceful, I use to beleive I could do anything and I use to believe I could fly, but now things never have felt so bad, I can't even begin to imagine what that careless little girl would think of me know, of what I am, and what we've become. God what is wrong with me? What has become of us little girl?

I know you can do it I put my full trust in you're kindness and good spirit to guide me to the light and have eternal bliss.

I feel everybodies eyes on me, I feel sickening I am sick aren't I? That is what my fucking father says after all!

Maybe just maybe he's fucking wright! I hate him for that! Hate is a proper word in my mind.

I need to be free and independent I want it more than anything right now. I want to quite litteraly sore and fly to the blue skies and summer breaze please let me go o beautiful and understanding love.

Please let me fly, I need to sore and make my own mistakes I might end my life If I don't, like I did before when I shoved those pills down my throat and gasp for air as I felt my last breath I thought that was it but someone or something saved my life that day and for that I'll forever be grateful.

 You'd be lucky to have my love but no one has it because I can't even love myself never have since the day I crashed harder with this youth called adolecense before I could even say goodbye to my precious, wild and extraordinery childhood.

Why I hate being a girl, no scratch that I love it but I wanna be a boy I just feel like a boy these attemptes at suicide cutting, chocking,, slamming, alchohol,, drugs, meds.

Is all because of this. I wanna cutt myself so bad I hate this feeling like i can't do anything about it I booked a flight to L.A and I want to try crystal meth so I can die already.

Right now I hate myself so much it burns I feel like my mind is on fire. Everything hurts but I hide the pain because I love the feeling and release it gives me, that high that I can't get enough of all that pain feels horrible and amazing at the same time, I'm anxious and afraid all the time.

Being tortured for 72 hours with a 10 scale of pain restraints and staff forcing my clothes of and sedating me, seriously mest me up I'll never forgive them for what they did to me, ever.

I believe in reincarnation and if I'm reborn I wish to be a boy without the burden of having parents.

All I received from them was abuse for a very long time, but I can't complain because I now that other that that they have given me a pretty wonderful life of joy and excitement, so I forgive them and love them so much besides anything they through at me I'll always will be loyal and in there debt.

Don't get me wrong I adore them just not that much that I would fuck up my life so they enjoy my fucking suffering and by they I mean my fucking dad!

What is it about fucking dad's???

But I do I really do believe! Woke up half asleep and a nurse woke me up! I'm so tired all the time I just wanna close my eyes and fall asleep for days and wake up like nothing happened.

I don't wanna die, I'm really scared of myself and what recklessness I might do again.

And the war we so unrichousely bestowed upon this one's pure magnificent place, where we eat one another In order to survive this cruel wonderfully rich world!

I love the rush, call me a masochist, but I love the pain and high it gives me, why would hurting myself feel so darn good? To die? I don't wanna die but I really wish I wasn't so afraid all the time, I wan't drugs and I want to be ruined and In wanna just stumble and fall and get back up again and again.

It's day 3 of being in Psych.

I made some great friend and a boy named Abe who has the same problems as me he overdosed just like i did yesterday or 2 days, i loose track of time here it's anoying.

Anyway I'm still here!! But I'm not complaning because I really like this boy and hes my age!

18!

Yeah its bin pretty awesome since he got here we talk and play chess and board games a lot it really fills me up inside and I can slowly feel myself begining to heal, I think its amazing how this boy can help me so much without even trying call me crazy but I feel fulll inside and out and I never want to let go of this feeling again!

Also a nurse name Karl helped me a ton! Cause I was cutting myself with the sharp end of my tape.

so grateful he wasn't like that bitch Tina fucking fat ass!

I'm also involved in some legal business for compensation and damages and abuse, and probably illegal restraint, torture and sedation.

So yeah they have it coming! Whelp that it for today I'm gonna eat my turkey sandwich and play chess with Abe!

Laia.