Worlds Away

I wake up empty, cold, and numb,  mourning the loss of his presence. The presence of his warm body, his strong arms, his beautiful smile. The presence of his kisses along my body, and the endless laughing spills we shared within walls we referred to as our home. Beneath all the pain, and the endless amounts of insecurity, betrayal and heartbreak,  I miss those moments of pure peace and happiness. He isn't in a grave, he isn't some place far away, but he has gone from waking up in my bed to sleeping a world away.
I always wondered how heartbreak earned its name, but the  moment I began to feel the aching heart pain that comes with a heartbreak, I learned how the name became . The dull, empty feeling of a broken heart, the ache, the hurt, the sorrow. It sounds so melancholic and dramatic, yet as humans we feel so deeply and the beauty is in the way we can express the extreme pains and pleasures. The pain of losing someone you held so close to the heart. It leaves an ache- an empty chamber. I wake up everyday wishing everything was a bad dream- a reoccurring nightmare. Yet every morning I wake up  without him and the pain smashes me full throttle. this ache. this longing to change my history, to change what I am feeling in this moment. So Numb, I smoke constantly, forever in a state of dissociation to avoid the inevitable pain. The inevitable pain of human existence. I drink, despite holding a serious hatred and distaste for alcohol. I still partake due to the deep and endless  longing. The longing to fill the empty chamber growing and burning a hole within my heart. Outwardly, no one sees the pain, no one knows how much my heart breaks, aches, burns and yearns. They see my smile and my happy disposition and deem me pleasant to be around. Invitations to social gatherings, I can't stand to be around. I can't mask the pain for  long when with others. I can't mask the pain.
I am sure he is doing okay, happy to be away and happy to be a single man. Four years in a relationship with  him. We were both so young. Met at 17 and a  broken relationship by my 21st birthday. The pain of spending my day big day alone, without the one who I thought would be the love of my life. The fact he didn't care I was alone, the fact he is okay with being away. The ache comes back the more I relay.
We live fifteen minutes away, yet we are worlds away.
Worlds away from the love we once shared, worlds away from the fits of laughter, and the beautiful smiles.
I have millions of beautiful things I could say about him, and millions of hateful,ugly things I may or may not truly believe.
Who knows what I truly believe now as he has become a memory I vigorously reprieve.
The memories however dim, and soften, almost fuzz into memories I recreate in my mind of a man I no longer know.
The beauty of holding the memories forever, yet reviewing them through a rose tinted glass.
Worlds away from the silly high school boy I once met in human anatomy class.