Kissing Is the Easy Part

Chapter 53 The F word

Flora

When Sean heard of my SAT scores for the first time, to say he was shocked would be an understatement. I did even worse the second time around.

"Yes, that's all three subjects added together, not just two," I said when his silence greeted me.

"Did you study for it?" He was trying to sound nonchalant so he didn't hurt my feelings.

"Somewhat." I didn't want to hurt his feelings either, with the truth.

He raised his eyebrows very quickly. "You won't suddenly get lucky just because you take it three times. If you don't work on your weaker areas, you'll probably still get the same results."

What weaker areas? I was equally bad at all of them. I knew he was just trying to help, but that was a very touchy subject. I was on edge and very irritable. "That sounds like a threat. You really don't have to help me."

Of course he totally ignored my protest, and ever since our family dinner he had become very determined in pulling me up from the abyss of self-depreciation. We had already cut down on our valuable dating time, and now whenever he came over to my place he planned on grinding me about studying.

"This is how you do it." Sean picked up a pen. He was going over the mock test I did earlier which was a sea of wrong answers. The few questions I got right looked like it was drowning in red. He started to scrawl on a piece of paper to demonstrate how to solve the problems.

I was transfixed, but I was really staring at his face. I hadn't noticed earlier how he'd absently bite on his lower lip when he was calculating, and I didn't understand how I could've missed it. It was so distractingly provocative.

He put down his pen and I jumped. "Flora, you're not listening."

"Sorry," I mumbled. "It's not entirely my fault, you know. Tutors aren't supposed to be that hot."

I thought he would at least have the decency to smile since I just paid him a compliment, but no, he looked at me sternly and said, "This is very important. You won't have time to take it again. Some of the college application deadlines are by the end of the year, and you want to send your test results in. You really need to concentrate now."

I knew that, obviously. Everything he said was true, but he could've said it in a nicer way. Sean was almost always right, but he was so sensible sometimes he forgot I was an emotional girl who acted and said things on impulse. Instead of coaxing me he would give me a lecture, and I could never win an argument with him.

I remembered how intense he used to be with me the second we were alone. Nowadays he only talked responsibilities and priorities, as if he didn't quite want me anymore.

Now, when I was calm and thinking rationally, I knew he was doing it completely for my sake, because let's face it, what joy could it bring him to correct my tests? But often at the heat of the moment, when I combined my frustration with my intelligence (or the lack of it), the pressure of applying for college, the insecurity that my boyfriend's infatuation with me was wearing off, and my parents' obvious pride over my elder brothers...I often reacted unreasonably and a fight of various scale would spin from there.

"I don't really need to go to college," I'd basically grasp anything to say. "Lots of people do very well without it. It's a myth that you need a diploma to succeed in life."

"You don't have to go to college, that's true. I agree college education isn't everything, but I don't want to spend thirty minutes debating with you about the pros and cons of it," he said. "You don't have to convince me. Convince yourself. Do you really not want to go? Or are you just too lazy to work for it so you're acting like you don't care?"