Periwinkle - Life in shades of blue (part 1)

Sleepover

You make my heart shake bend and break
But I can't turn away
And it's driving me wild
You're driving me wild
Leave this blue neighbourhood
Never knew loving could hurt this good
And it drives me wild
'Cause when you look like that
I've never ever wanted to be so bad

Wild by Troye Sivan

I never thought of summer as unpleasant. I've always preferred the hot weather, being so sensitive to tactile information I've always hated the way I get numb to the cold.

As I'm catching my breath next to Suguru in the locker room, though, I wish it wasn't 40°C outside. It'd be much easier to ignore the blood pulsating in my wrists and the sweat trailing down his neck while he's stretching on the bench. He's caught me staring at him multiple times by now, but I always managed to blame it on his weird hair or some stupid bullshit down that line. Now I know for a fact that half of the heat building up around my neck and cheeks is his fault, and I'm not sure I could come up with a funny excuse for that.

I always knew I was attracted to men, but it's the first time I'm experiencing it in real life, if that makes any sense. I haven't had much contact with people my age growing up, so I had my first approach with sexuality sneaking out to the mansion's library to read spicy stuff. I mostly read old books, but once I got lucky and discovered a hentai magazine hidden inside a Kamasutra manual. That's when I understood women couldn't turn me on, and also when I realized my grandfather was going to be pissed for my inability to give him grandchildren. Hence, when I decided he should never ever know about my dirty little secret.

But now Suguru is holding his foot on the bench and bending over it to stretch his hamstrings, the brim of his tank top rising on his back and the flush on his neck and ears almost melting the air around him. Would it be that bad if I had a crush on my classmate? We've only known each other for around four months by now, so it's not like I have caught feelings, I'm not that dumb to actually fall for someone way out of my league. He's just so damn hot, I can't even think sometimes when I'm around him. I'm not sure if I'm okay with him finding out about the weird thoughts going through my head, though, so I'm not going to do anything about it.

I head for an iced shower, hoping it will cleanse my head from scenes I'm too scared to even daydream about. Besides, I'm pretty sure he's straight as shit. I've seen the way he acts around girls and how they behave around him as well, it's clear to me he has a lot of consensus among the female populace. Not that I can blame them, if anything I envy them. Some chicks don't even bother concealing the flirt, throwing themselves at him as if it was a survival game. I wish I was that bold, I can't even make eye contact without panicking for hours afterwards, which has actually happened more often than I would like to admit. Since I let him sleep in my room that day, I kept my word and never used infinity around him ever again. Thinking about it, it would spare me so much stress if I just activated it every so often. Instead, I'm always letting him wrap his arm around my shoulders, bump into me and poke me on the cheek, I even started answering back and being more comfortable with this childish way of playing around. I don't mind it per se, I just wish it didn't have consequences on my thoughts for hours afterwards.

"Oi, Satoru!"

I'm dragged out of my head by his voice, way too close to be safe in this context. He's definitely in the shower room, but as I turn around I'm glad to know he probably just went to another stall, hopefully very far from mine.

I clear my throat before answering, not trusting it in this condition. "What?"

"My mum's been pestering me about you," his flip-flops click on the marble, getting dangerously closer. "She's complaining that we didn't reciprocate your hospitality from ages ago..." he chuckles, but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be able to hear it.