Periwinkle - Life in shades of blue (part 1)

Want you

You're like the opposite of all of my mistakes
Tear down the biggest walls and put me in my place
I know, that kind of comfortable you cannot replicate
You feel like home

Bones by One Republic

Content warning: smutTW: (subtle) mention of self harm

"I can't believe you." I drop my schoolbag next to Ieiri's desk, not bothering about the loud thump it makes.

She's startled by the sudden noise and looks up at me with a bored but confused look. "Good morning to you, sunshine."

"I've been trying to wrap my head around it for weeks, you know?" I take a chair to sit in front of her, holding my elbows on her desk. "Suguru's been smoking like a chimney for months now. I found it bewildering... it's weird to have enough energy to buy cigarettes, but not enough to restock the toilet paper." I cross my arms giving her a judgmental stare above the rim of my sunglasses.

When she lowers her gaze, I know I nailed it. "He says smoking helps him take his mind off..."

"Smoking only helps him take one more step towards the grave, Ieiri." I cut her off sternly. I've never liked how she influences Suguru's bad habits, she should be a medical student for fuck's sake.

She gulps, still unable to look me in the eye. "What do you want me to do? I'm not his mother."

I hold my hand out, with my palm facing upwards. "Pretend like I am. I'm confiscating those cigs."

She sends me a disbelieving glare, but I'm not budging, so she scoffs and hands me the packages in the end. "You're fucking annoying, you know?"

"Don't worry," I fish my wallet out of my pocket, "I'll pay for them."

This seems to make her forget about her friend code, because she eagerly takes the money and forgets about the cigarettes almost instantly. I walk out of the classroom to find the nearest trashcan and throw them away. I know I'm not his mother, but I can be worried about the life-threatening choices he's making, right? He knows I hate it when he smokes. It's not like I forbid him, but the amount of nicotine and tar that's running through his veins lately is enough to make me anxious.

We came a long way since our argument in May. He's been less secretive about his mental health with me, making me worry just a tiny bit less. His cursed energy still isn't back to normal, and he's still refusing to see a therapist, but I'm definitely taking it better since he's started answering my questions. It's not like he's made much progress, though. I just pretend I don't notice in order to avoid arguments, I know he gets stressed and intense when things get heated, I feel like the least I can do is spare him the struggle. I know he's still throwing up after every mission, I just choose to turn a blind eye on it.

The cigarettes problem is different, though. He's seriously getting worse with that, to the point where it looks more like self-harm than a habit. It's become hard to hide my worry, lately, my mind split between this issue and curses increasing in number, like they usually do around Christmas and New Year.

On top of everything, he even forgot about my birthday.

I did my best to be free on that day, because I know he likes celebrating and doing something special, I had really fun last year. I know he's not feeling great, I wasn't expecting him to throw me a party or anything, but he didn't even wish me happy birthday.

It's not something I've ever thought of as important before, but now that he forgot I realize that I'm unhappy about it. I didn't mention it because I don't want to worsen the guilt he's already feeling, even if I'm still thinking about it. It's been weeks now though, I guess I missed my chance at this point.