Im not happy but im not sad. I want my past and at the same time i don't. I want the life i'm living right now but at the same time i dont.
I want to live..
At the same time i don't.
Im so used to the darkness, i can't tell the difference between light or night anymore.
Why do i blame myself for everything?
Why do i always say sorry for everything?
Why am i neither happy or sad?
Why do i not feeling anything?
When i was a little bit younger, not too young, i'd always tell myself, i want my old life back. I wanna be more happy and laugh more and have less worries. But now i do have that life again. I have it back. But it's not the same. I feel as if something's missing. Now that i have the life i wanted i don't want it anymore.
I don't feel anything.
Nothing's inside , nothings pumping, or moving. Nothing is going on. There's nothing exciting anymore. Nothing heart warming. Nothing sweet or loving.
I cry myself to sleep.. Every night.
I lay down in my bed and just look around and look at the darkness in which has become my best friend. I've fallen in such a dark hole, i don't even know if I'm alive or not.
I remember falling on my bed and hugging the cold pillows and gently placing my arms on them and letting the cold penetrate through my body. I'd remember how i just think of how comfortable it was to fall asleep on a cold bed. And to think nothing of how wonderful it felt to fall asleep after a long day. Looking back now, i don't even know how amazing it is to feel that feeling again. That stress free feeling. The clearing your mind to go to sleep feeling. I remember how that was the best feeling in the world. To think, that i don't think i could ever have such a wonderful feeling again. And to know it's all lost forever. Not knowing that it would be my last time feeling that wonderful.
How different my life is. How much i want back the past.
It's like being thrown in a metal box with seven foot long spikes surrounding its walls, floors and ceilings, with no escape. No one to help you. No one to make you laugh or have fun with. Just you and your mind. Your at war with yourself. Trying to figure if you have to give up or keep trying to set yourself free. With every step you take in your bare feet you bleed gallons. Every choice you make, to be one more spike added to your box of death.
