Woke up and saw their names piled high today
Top spots, one, two, and three
Aloft on tower of texts on my tiny ancient phone
my mom's before her hateful death
So strange to see those names stacked up
Names of all three men I've 'dated'
since other brutal death
My long-loved partner's, seven years ago
Order strangely right, or 'right,' as well
With first guy, lowest in text tower now
Surprised, a bit, to see him present there today
First met in 2022 — said then that I was gorgeous
Took me for coffee, announced it was a date
Very soon declared himself disgusted
by every lame-ass aspect of my (sad/weak/dim) self
Since then in mode of ceaseless reinvention
Enemy! cold stranger! kind advisor! nosy neighbour! cool/cruel editor!
Then someone who is keen to 'build a friendship'
Whatever that might mean
Now talk of proffering employment
What kind? Not sure, but prospect shocks, alarms
The second, strange sweet man of sexercise
First to engage my flesh, my lips, my lonely cunt
First to wound! the way a lover sometimes can
With ugly piercing truth
deep stab that bleeds, throbs, hurts
but sometimes, somehow heals
Eternal scar, painfilled, scary, weird
yet weirdly pleasing too —
a pretty, stinging tat, perhaps?
Third man mysterious, two men disguised as one
At first a solid smiling rock, reliable! wise, cool, calm
Knows how to fix . . . well, everything! it seemed
Felt like my broken heart would be quick work for him
Speedy solid sanguine mend —
solution to my dark day ideation, deathly yearning need
But no, 'cause there's another guy inside
So different! fragile, drunken, sexy/wild
Kind of love them both, but that can't work
Though in one skin they do NOT like each other, not one bit!
In truth, now kind of love them all
all three dudes glowing there on mom's old phone
But that's forbidden, no good at all
Though these three are so different
Trio has one thing in common, one tenet shared
Rage/fear/disgust at any hint of 'infidelity'
Though surely nothing here has claims on faithfulness?
Nothing solid now with any of the three
Yes newest one calls me his girlfriend
Even talks about me to his aunt
enough it seems to make her want to meet and greet
But . . . girlfriend doesn't mean what I once thought it did
Does it mean anything?
Unclear, like eye-sting smoke-filled sky . . .like everything
Still, answer's simple, probably?
Put on the mask! stupid sorry bitch
and try at least to smile
You wanted to return to life
said you did
And this is life! life now
So what the fuck's your problem?
(Exactly)
