Broken now, no more hope
not even random uplift dreams
Have laboured long! worked hard trying to adjust
to challenge, change weak whiny self
Start over! not expect, ask nothing, just offer up myself
whatever way I could
with no demands for kindness, faith, or love
Be modern! grownup, self-contained
responsible for self, each act on me
each choice a choice — legit selection that I've made myself
to freely, gently give . . . whatever I could give
Give, without the ugliness of payback plans
Don't want to be paid back, paid off
find that mode vicious! filthy/vile
And yet. . . back home, mid afternoon
with burning teardimmed eyes
photos of dead folk all around
grey room of doom, despair
Can barely see, can scarcely breathe —
and it feels right
Immobile, useless, lusting just for death
Another day from dawn devoted to love service
Caring for one who cannot, does not care
doesn't like or love me back
Accepted truth, I said it was okay, one more flat fact like any other
but now, dismissed post-service 'til next call sudden/scary comes
I want to die — though my death would deprive him
cut him off from something vital, service that for now he truly needs
So I am vengeful now, on top of all my other nasty flaws?
Seems so, incapable of simple service
unhappy giving what I longed to give . . . it felt so meant, so right!
yet now I'm weeping, running stoplights, counting pills
seeking sad/sick death revenge
If shame could kill, I'd be dead now
And should be
