The Things We Do For Happiness

I was wrong

My brain cells. I don't know if they work. But my mind is racing, heart is pounding, and I just go for it. 

I'm about three inches away from her. 'Emaline' my voice breaks.

Then he says 'Who is he?'

With anger, with hurt, with I don't know what, she thinks.

'He's the guy who left that day when my mother changed her mind about wanting me'.

Oh. I-I suddenly despise myself. How could I be that selfish? And that selfish to Emaline? EMALINE. My Emaline...or at least she used to be mine...

Then this guy looks at me like I'm the most vicious, vile thing on earth. I can't...blame him.

'You want me to take care of him?' She calmly says no.

'What do you want?'

'I just want to talk, I know I don't deserve it but please'.

Attempting to be intimidating, the guy tries to tower over me, just a second before she takes her hand and places it directly on his chest, so gently. I feel like throwing up. 

Emaline looks at him and then says 'Please give us a few moments, I'll be right back' then she leans forward and kisses him. Right in front of me. 

He reluctantly nods and leaves us on our own.

We go outside, it's pitch black and somewhat chilly with miles and miles of no one. 

'Talk' she demands.

'Emaline, first of all I'm so sorry, I didn't think anything like that would happen. (I try grabbing her hand but she moves it away). Are you okay? That must have been the most painful thing on earth. You know I never meant for that. I care about you so much...(I pause then whisper) so much, more than I want to admit. You know that?'

It does something to her, just the slightest bit but her eyes, her everything, is still stone cold.

'You broke 'us'. '

I did. Didn't I?

'I miss you'.

She's suddenly aggravated.

'You miss me? Arlo you broke my heart. I thought we were in love. Don't you dare deny that you didn't play with my feelings.'

This is where it all came into focus, the walls that collapsed. 

'I was scared. I was a coward. I didn't even admit it to myself'.

'My heart can't take anymore civil wars'. 

'Emaline you don't get it, these past six months- everything was perfect, both of my parents are awesome-I'm living the life I always dreamed of (I can see it hurt her...) but I felt like I lost a part of me. I didn't feel whole because you are my missing  piece. I tried to deny you at first but I was an idiot, like I always am. I know I didn't admit it then but I...I'm in love with you'.

Helplessly, I attempt to reach for her hand again, failed again.

'We're not meant to be, it's too late'.

Then she walked away and left me with everything. 

My step dad messaged me something on the flight, I thought it was a bit random but...damn. A quote: 'If you love her, never fill her ears with lies, her mouth with words, her eyes with tears, her mind with confusion and her heart with pain'. That's what I did.

I used to think that finding a girl you can't live without is the hardest thing that someone can ever do. I was wrong, it's losing one.