Deep November

six.

Each day that passed me by was a day I was closer to having to figure out what I was going to do.

It was no secret, even to my own delusional mind, that I didn't want to kill her. For the first time, I was met with a person I couldn't bring myself to kill.

I had a job, a commitment, and it would cost me a lot of money to not follow through. Not to mention that Derek didn't exactly seem like the forgiving type.

Cristina was also relying on this job. Sure we both had already made enough money off of previous jobs to keep us comfortable for a year or two, but she'd put in so much work already and I didn't want her to feel like I'd betrayed her.

Besides, neither of us had many skills besides what we'd already been doing; a year or two was nothing, what would we possibly do after to stay afloat?

Thoughts ran through my head constantly, but the only ones I paid attention to were thoughts of her.

I watched her. I grew used to seeing her. I wasn't sure what I'd do when she wasn't there anymore, when she wasn't freely at my disposal.

How could I miss someone I've never met?

Weighed down with my own thoughts, I ran a hand through my hair as I climbed into bed after a shower late one night. My hair was still damp, making the shoulders of my t-shirt wet, but that didn't bother me.

I had barely slept. The last three days I'd spent obsessing over her every move. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, every waking moment (and there were a lot) was spent on her.

I was going crazy. I knew that. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the little shred of sanity I had left was slipping, and no matter how hard I tried to desperately grasp at it, as long as she was near I would never be sane.

Despite my eyes feeling heavy and my head beginning to ache after a long day, I still pulled up my surveillance camera footage and clicked to see what she was doing. It was late, so I assumed she'd be sleeping, but I still had to check.

When the screen pulled up and I saw she was awake, I found myself curious as to what she could possibly be doing. I knew her routine like the back of my hand at this point, she had work in the morning.

"Oh Addie, you'll be so tired tomorrow morning" I murmur to myself, burrowing down further into the mattress beneath me as I held my phone to my face.

She was pacing, seemingly on the phone with someone as she walked back and forth the length of her bedroom. She still had on her clothes from the office, she hadn't showered or changed yet and I knew for a fact she'd been home for hours. She'd had dinner, some wine, watched some TV.

Interested, I watched intently as she looked angrier and angrier before hanging up the phone and flicking it onto her bed with little care. It landed on the thick white duvet, and she didn't give it a second glance.

She ran a hand through her hair roughly, messing up her already tangled locks.

Then, she did something completely out of the blue. Something completely out of character.

She looked across the room, her eyes looked like they were meeting mine despite the fact that she had no idea there was a camera there. My gaze was completely locked with her own, her blue eyes appearing to be focused on me completely.

For a moment, I wasn't sure if she'd noticed the camera and would begin to investigate, but she looked away as if everything were normal, as if she hadn't looked at me intentionally.

The smallest part of me wanted her to be looking at me on purpose, wanted her to be seeking my gaze and offering her own up for my own eyes to lock onto.