Under the same sky

Late night

Zoe's pov
Me and Jordan broke up... I don't really know where to start. I felt like dying honestly. I loved him so much... I still do. And even though he is the main cause for all the shit in my life, I know I will still love him for a really long time. I also know that you think I am crazy to care about him after everything he put me through, but I don't care. You can't see him the way I do. I am writing this down because it's 11:00 at night and I can't sleep. All these thoughts are running through my mind and by the time school reopens and I see you, I will have lost the nerve to tell you. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel kind of used. Like I put everything into our relationship and he just threw it away. Then sometimes I don't care. Maybe I am better off without him. Right? But then I remember all the times I told him I loved him. All the times he told me the same. I meant it. Did he?
I feel so confused and lost and alone. I feel tired of life and tired of love. Tired of climbing mountains for people who wouldn't move if I caught on fire. When it first happened, I wanted to die honestly. I felt so hurt that death sounded like a nice escape from all the drama of life. I feel so tired of everyone taking advantage of how I feel. Like it doesn't even have to do with him anymore. Just that they all do the same damned thing. And every time I tell myself I am over relationships. But then I meet someone who changes my view of life. Makes me believe that life will be better from now on. But then, right when I was beginning to believe that I could be happy again, they go right around and do the same focked up shit all over again.
And I end up right back where I started. Scared of life. Scared of trusting people. Scared of everything and everyone. Scared that everyone will end up hurting me in the end. Scared of everything but death. I probably sound crazy right now. Maybe I am. Maybe I will get over it. Maybe I won't. I don't know anymore.
It hurt me in a way I didn't know I could be hurt. My mind went blank. I felt numb, unimportant. Overwhelmed. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't talk. I layed in my bed and cried. For hours. I just felt so tired of everything. Every time I wrote his name, talked about him, thought about him (which was a lot), talked to him... It was all thrown away in half a second. All my hopes and dreams were crushed. I wanted to scream until my lungs burst and I died.
But in the end, nothing really changes. I will love again. I will be hurt again. Even when I say I am done, I'm not. Someday I will find someone for me.
But until then I really am done. Done listening to empty promises and fake smiles. Done trusting when I know I can't trust. Maybe I'm going crazy, slowly losing my mind because it can't wrap around how hurt I am.
I loved him. And he knew that. Part of me wants him to feel pain. Slow and painful. I want it to kill him from the inside out, the way what he did to me did.
I really have gone mad haven't I? I love him and I don't want to hurt him, even after he has hurt me so much. I feel like crying right now, but I will smile instead, because I have finally put my feelings into words, even if I sound like a madwoman. Life goes on. With or without him. He told Emma that he really doesn't want a relationship now or until after he has graduated high school. It kinda hurt that he never asked me if I would wait that long. He just assumed that I wouldn't care and would move on. That he had so little faith in me. I think that was what hurt the most.
You never knew, because I have a hard time telling people how I feel, but I am always kinda depressed. He made me believe in myself again. He made me feel beautiful when I didn't see anything beautiful. He made me believe that life was worth living. He taught me to be strong and helped me to trust. To share my problems with other people, and let them help me carry it.
But then, when my problems got too heavy, he gave them back and added more to my pile. I want to give up because life is too damn hard. But I want to keep going to show him that I can do it without him.
Just because I smile doesn't mean I am happy. It means I have found some small pleasure to help me momentarily escape from my parade of painful thoughts. When I cry, I am more than just sad. I can't take it anymore. I am broken.
*~*~*~*~*
I put my pen down and shake my paper. I don't know if I will give this to anyone, but at least I feel better after writing it... Anyways... I gotta get some damn sleep. My head is pounding and if I stay up and think about him anymore, I will cry again.