Coming Back Home

Chapter 22

I walked inside of her apartment and looked around. It was about the same size as mine, but it was decorated much nicer.

"I like it," I said as I took in my surroundings.

"Yeah, thanks," she said, "it's not bad."

"You can sit down or whatever, if you want, I'm going to order the pizza quick," Natalie continued.

"Okay, thanks," I said.

I took a quiet deep breath and sat down on the couch as I watched her type the order into her phone.

"Alright," she said as she sat down on the opposite end from me, "should be here in about 15 minutes."

"Perfect," I said as I fidgeted with my hands in my lap.

I didn't want to start some big conversation now, because I knew our dinner would be here soon, but we also couldn't sit in silence for the next 15 minutes.

"So um," I started again, "I'm not seeing Theo anymore."

I looked up at Natalie and she nodded slowly, but didn't have much of a reaction aside from that.

"I haven't really seen him or talked to him much since - well, yeah. I just wanted you to know," I said.

"I'm still not sure why you were seeing him in the first place," Natalie said under her breath.

"Natalie I started hanging out with him before we really talked at all, I didn't know any of this was going to happen," I responded.

"I know, but - " she started, "never mind, this is pointless. I don't want to spend the whole time arguing."

I put my head down and looked at my hands in my lap, feeling the guilt overwhelm me again.

A few minutes later, the pizza came and we were both saved by the bell. We didn't talk much during dinner, and I spent most of the time still trying to figure out what I wanted to say.

Once we were done, I helped Natalie clean up the few things that we had.

"Alright follow me," she said, "we can talk out here."

I walked with her out to her balcony and took in the view of the skyline.

"Wow, you have quite the view out here," I said.

I leaned my elbows on the edge of the glass fencing and railing that surrounded us before I looked around. It really was quite the set up.

There were comfortable looking lounge chairs on either side of us, and the view of downtown was breathtaking. I gazed out at the lights of the city, momentarily distracted from the conversation that still needed to happen.

"Madison," Natalie said as she leaned over next to me and pulled me out of my trance, "what is it you wanted to talk about? I mean I'm assuming Theo was part of it, but I know that's not it."

I sighed and turned to face her.

"No, you're right," I said, still feeling hesitant to have this conversation, "I um, I'm sorry it took me being an idiot to figure it out, but I should've stopped seeing Theo right after we talked that first time."

Natalie looked down over the balcony, but didn't say anything.

"I think it just scares me, the feelings I've been having I mean," I continued.

"It scares you?" She asked as she turned to face me, "why?"

"Well I've never done this before, it's still a little confusing for me," I admitted.

Natalie nodded slowly and her gaze met mine.

"Why couldn't you just tell me this in the first place?" She asked me, starting to sound irritated.

"I don't know Natalie, it's been a lot for me to figure out," I started, "but I'm here and I'm telling you now, I don't know what else you want me to do."

I could sense the frustration between both of us as I took a deep breath and tried to stay calm.

"Not fucking Theo right after you kissed me would've been a good start," she said with a bite in her tone.

"Jesus Natalie," I said, "how many times do I need to apologize for that and tell you that I know it was stupid? And are you really going to act like I'm the only one who's done something wrong here?"

"What?" She asked as she snapped her head towards me, "what have I done?"

"Oh come on, you didn't exactly welcome me with open arms when I came back," I said sarcastically, "you wouldn't even let me speak to you. Don't you think that's made me a little hesitant too?"

"I - yeah I know," she admitted with a sigh, "but you won't give me a fucking chance to show you anything different Madison."

She brought her hands up in defeat and let them fall to her side.

"I feel like every time I tried you told me you didn't know what you wanted and shut me down, I have no idea how I would've proven anything to you," Natalie continued as she started to raise her voice.

"I don't know, I'm sorry okay?" I said in an exasperated voice, "but I'm trying to give you the chance now, why else would I be here? I'm trying Natalie."

I hadn't literally meant right now when I said that, but it seemed like Natalie had taken it that way.

Her eyes darkened as they burned into mine and she quickly stepped up to me. She took my face firmly in her hands and began to kiss me.

I gave into the kiss momentarily but then I pulled back. Natalie kept her hands on my face as she gave me a concerned look.

"Natalie, I don't - " I started.

"Didn't you just tell me that this is what you wanted?" She interjected.

My gaze flitted back and forth between her eyes and her lips. She was right, I had just said that and I didn't know why I was holding back now.

She watched me expectantly, waiting to see what I would do. My mind was working a million miles a minute until I finally accepted that there was no reason that this shouldn't happen.

Natalie took her thumb and placed it on my bottom lip, slowly pulling it down and then trailing it down my chin. She started to lean back in hesitantly, but then she pulled away slightly and looked me in the eye.

"Well," Natalie said quietly, her thumb still gently running along the bottom of my chin, "is this what you want, or not?"

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