Hate yourself [mlm]

The fear

[Vincent's pov]

Yesterday..  simultaneously the most empowered I've felt in my entire life,  but also the most powerless I've ever found myself..

I stare at the ceiling with the memory of Mitchell's voice still refusing to leave me be..

There's nothing I can do but let the events of yesterday replay in my mind until the point of insanity..

Should I see him today..?

I get out of bed and decide to check if mum's awake

Her bedroom door is open,  she's sitting on the edge of her bed and I decide to knock on the doorframe to let her know I'm here

She looks up at me,  but instead of showing a smile,  she looks like she's been crying

I sit down beside her and instinctively put my arm around her

"Are you ok?  What happened?"

She shakes her head and tries to smile  "I'm fine..  it's what's happened to my coworker.."

I rub her arm and dread to hear about whatever happened

"I already felt guilty raising you in such a dangerous place.. but to think that there's actually been an intentional murder.. so close to us.. terrifies me."

And that's all I needed to know before pulling her into a tight hug

"I'll be fine mum.. you've always kept me safe, and you've always reminded me and given me the feeling that everything will be fine.. you have no reason to feel guilty or be sorry.. I can take care of the both of us.."

She hugs me tighter and pats my hair

"You're such a sweet kid, Vince.. I couldn't ask for a better son."

...

It's about 2:00 in the afternoon of the same day and I already find myself pounding the door of Mitchell's unit, waiting for an answer

"C'mon Mitch.. I swear to god"

He opens the door and has an irritated expression on his face

"Sorry for the late answer, but please don't try to break apart my door like that again"

I chuckle "okay, I'll try." I punch him playfully to try and get him to smile, but he doesn't get into it

He just gestures for me to follow him inside, and I follow

"Hey, why didn't your dad just answer the door instead? It is Sunday, he should be home.."

He looks over at me sternly, which isn't a rare occurrence so I don't feel too intimidated

"Most parents are home on Sundays I assume, but not mine. Dad is out investigating some murder that took place at the train station last night"

"Oh.." I reply, It feels awkward being more knowledgeable on a gruesome case than Mitchell..

"Yea.. my mum told me about that this morning.. victim was her coworker.. Nice lady, I saw her once or twice when she was still.. Y'know.. alive"

He looks at me with what I can only assume to be bewilderment

"Damn.. and to think I thought you had no life at all" he laughs

I don't know many people who could laugh during a conversation about a close to home murder case, but Mitchell isn't like other people I suppose..

I roll my eyes at him "Yea, yea.. good to see you finally speaking to me like a friend, you morbid anomaly"

He smiles for a moment, but it suddenly fades when we make eye contact

"You know where my room is, right?"

"Uh.. yea.."

"Go sit down in there, I'll be there in a second"

I find the request abnormal, but whatever.. it's Mitchell..

I struggle for a moment, but find the bland room and sit down on the mattress..

...

[Mitchell's pov]

I stare hard at the bathroom mirror and prevent myself from screaming and cursing at myself

I try to speak as quietly as I can to myself "fucking stupid.. who says something like that.. he was probably devastated about that woman's death.. and you just decided to make a joke out of it.. you inconsiderate fuck.."

I grab at my own hair and yank hard.. tears roll down my face and my vision is blurred to hell and back..

"You should've died instead..."

I let myself pathetically sob for a minute before washing my face and preparing to act like everything's fine..

I walk out of the bathroom, and again, am relieved to know that Vincent wasn't waiting right outside of the door..

I make it to my room and sit down beside Vincent

"Sorry to keep you waiting" I sigh and fidget for a moment

Vince smiles and shrugs "it's fine.. Y'know.. I'm sorry to make things awkward but.. are we just gonna ignore what happened yesterday"

My chest tightens for a moment "you.. seriously wanna talk about the murder case..?"

He shakes his head "no, weirdo.. the things that we did."

I'm relieved for a moment, but then my heart starts beating fast again.. panic takes hold of me again

I kind of wish we were talking about the murder instead..

"I'm sorry about yesterday..  you're probably really mad at me.."

He looks confused and laughs softly

"No Mitch..  I'm not mad at you..  I told you,  I liked what we did yesterday..  it's just that..  it was unexpected..  and the lack of communication about it today is making it a bit more awkward for me..  like it's something that only I can remember"

He puts his hand on my shoulder and I feel my face heat up a little

"Of course I can remember it too..  that's probably why I seemed a little..  stern when you first arrived today.."

"Why would you be angry?"

"Well..  that's just how I am I guess..  you've seen it..  I've hurt you before..  I've yelled at you,  I've acted like a jerk towards you and been fine a minute later..  it's gotta be exhausting for you.."

His arm moves to bring me closer to him,  my chest warms up a little and I force myself to look away from him out of embarrassment

He attempts to make eye contact with me,  which I find myself obliged to return  "well..  if that's just one of your many..  strange qualities..  then I love it..  because I love you.."

I stare at him in disbelief for a moment,  and of course..  not dare to move a muscle..  I don't want to fuck this up again,  so I'll just let him take control

He moves a little closer to me  "do you mine if I..?"

I nod,  and let him kill the space between us,  kissing my lips with a little more confidence than the last time..

I feel him pat my hair gently before pulling away

...