IF ONLY THERE WAS A SECOND CHANCE

Chapter 8: Her diary

   " Brother.... I feel like I'm the one who should have ....died in place...of Lia and my child", choked Derick.

    Luke didn't say anything as if he  agreed and at the same time disagreed.

    Derick continued to cried for a while till he felt a warm embrace.

   Luke was sad to see his brother in this vulnerable state but he couldn't say words like superficial words like no it's not your fault that Lia died or like everything is going to be alright.

   Luke knew that none of that is  true so he cannot say words of lies just to calm his brother guilt.

  He want Derick to realized his own mistakes and also bear the feelings that he is currently feeling at the moment.

   Luke knew that Lia's death affected  so many lives especially her loved ones and for some a part of their soul feels like it's gone along with her. And he knew her absence only make it the worst feeling for many since she was an honest, cheerful person who is loved by many if not all.

Luke knew Lia since she was a toddler  and her death has also affected him since he think of her as his little sister.

   So Luke just consoled his brother silently without saying a word to him.

   It took Derick a while to calm himself and adjust his emotion.

He was thankful for the support from his brother though he didn't say anything. He was more glad and grateful that his brother didn't say superficial words to him cause they will only make him delusional and try to forgot his guilt and debt to Lia.

   After crying his heart out he felt much better.

   Luke told Derick, "Go home and rest. I'll handle the company matter. Think of it as a kind of medical leave if not a vacation. "

Derick agreed and he was not worried with the company matter or work cause Luke used to helped him when he first started his company.

   So he drove home to take a rest from everything.

When he reached home he felt empty and lonely.

The house feels cold and he didn't want to dwell much about it cause he know he will miss Lia more and that makes him feel hurt and also makes him feel like a jerk.

  He went to his room to take a bath.

After his shower he was searching for his pajamas in the closet and while he was searching for his clothes he saw a diary at the bottom part of the closet.

  He didn't know it was Lia's diary at first but when he picked it up and saw the words written on it he knew it was her diary which he didn't know anything about.

He didn't remember Lia had a habit of writing a diary before so he was curious when did she start writing one.

He opened the diary and on the first page only two words were written;  
   
               "Our baby"
 
He turned to the next page and there was a date written on the top.

   Dated-XX/XX/20XX

Today I went for checkup after feeling unwell these days and learned that i was pregnant and i should have been happy but i feel nothing.

This should have been a happiest moment for me since I always wanted to have a baby but since Xander always said they are not ready have one just yet I buried my wish.

I always feel that a baby is a symbol of love born between two people who are in a love and they are a gift from God.

But when I heard the news today that a baby was growing inside of me what I felt was as if it was a punishment and a reminder of that night.

It was a nightmare to me and this baby was unexpected.

I was diagnosed with depression and  insomnia two weeks ago . The doctors suggested going for therapy session but i don't have any other reason to want to live with this nightmare.

So i keep on postponing going to a therapy or any kind of treatment.

I felt like maybe I will be swallowed by my depression and  will be free from my nightmares.

But when the report shows I'm  pregnant and since the doctor was the same doctor who found about my condition , he told me to go for the therapy sessions as it can be harmful for the baby if I continue to be in the same state without knowing what to do and always in a daze .

Sometimes I forgot to eat and forgot the time but just sitting for hours in the same place.

So i agreed to go to at least one session with the psychiatric doctor.

  The session was all about the doctor asking me questions and i don't remember what else happened but i do remember answering some of her questions. She suggested to me to write a diary to share my feelings if I couldn't open up my feelings to her just yet.

Soon after that I went home with the ultrasound report.

I keep on staring at it trying to figure out the shape of the baby but all i see are black spots.

I'm sorry baby.

You should have been the greatest gift in my life.

But i only feel like you are a punishment and a reminder for me about that night that you were conceived.

At the end of the page there were sign of dried tears.

There were also a ultrasound picture pinned to the page.

  Derick was sad and angry when he remember what he did to her on that night because of anger.

  His tears just flowed down as if they were endless and his eyes looks lifeless at the moment.

Whenever he read the line where she says that she feel the baby was a reminder or a punishment for her at that moment he felt his heart broken to pieces.

He remember she always wanted a baby but he was busy with the company at that time so he told her they were not ready yet.

But her words made him realised more how much he have hurted her.