The Reluctant Luna

Chapter 16

Hey, somersault.

I messed up.

Only.. that's not right. I didn't mess up. Not really. There wasn't anything I could do.

I'm not sure how to say this except to say it... They're on to me. Bob's Beta knows... and by Bob I mean... I mean the future Alpha Oliver.

It's the stupidest thing but some basic part of me goes all lala land dreamy at the thought of his name. Like.. what's wrong with me? Like I'm not some girly girl fan club. 

Oliver...

It's a nice name, isn't it? 

Sigh... I've got it bad. I haven't even met him yet...

Speaking of which.. um... I'm going to have to meet him. Meet him as myself.. and not some masked albino butterfly peacock. 

Sounds serious.

Har har.. it is serious though... I'm not sure if I can articulate why though...

The Beta can't tell anyone about my real identity.. so this gives me some time right? And I can meet Oliver and ... wear gloves... and it may even be nice.

Who am I kidding? It's still half a week away and I'm already freaking out about it.

Oliver

Oh, stop that!

Deep breaths. It'll be ok. And... I guess if it's not then... I'll just have to figure it out from there.

I think on some level this kind of situation is what I needed. I remember writing last time about not knowing how to transform from a caterpillar into a butterfly. Seems like ideally I could shut myself into some kind of apartment, where I could feel safe, and then... I could practice standing up straighter lol. 

I could make a list really:

-Stand up straighter

-Eat slower

-Talk less...

-Recite "I am awesome" to myself in a mirror until I believe it

-Learn how to be smarter, and wittier, and funny, and more engaging and more welcoming and... and... and and, and and.. and generally work to look nicer, and to be more useful...

Hmm.. isn't that helpful?

It's revealing. I suppose these are all the reasons why I don't feel like I'm good enough to be a Luna. And now that I'm thinking about it, I can't even be sure which items are valid, and which items are triggered by my self-doubt. 

My aunt tells me I talk too much. But does that really mean I talk too much? 

Anyway, it's a lot to unpack. 

I feel trepidation about the event next Wednesday... it's a kind of social for higher-ranking wolves. The Beta said he could get me in.. never mind my rank, so... that should be interesting.

Another part of me is cautiously excited though. I feel like there's a three-year-old girl in my mind that's like... pretty cute if I'm honest. Like I'm not kid crazy in general, but I feel like she is ...pure. She just likes what she likes, and it doesn't matter if anyone else likes the same thing or if they'll judge her for engaging in something 'childish'.

It's weird because.. it seems so different from who I am, but the child in me ... wants to dress up like a princess and go the the seemingly magical palace castle, and ... it's like her imagination gets carried away from her and she doesn't know where reality ends, and her imagining begins but that it doesn't matter in the slightest because... because she is happy just dreaming.