Is That Love?

Ch 9 CRASHED

You know what is typical "Vera and James" things? The fights..the freaking friendly yet deadly fights. After the card thing where we had almost deadly fight. Here we are the next day...again him stealing my candies and toffees. Me who just brings them for him. In all these things the most entertained people were our classmates and my dear friends. He was a sigma male and I was a stupid emotional fellow. A very wrong combination yet the most beautiful memories.

We became good friends now. But on that one day, someone confessed my love for him on our school's confession page. Honestly, when I saw that shit I  freaked out I was scared and shivering. I don't know who did this but it must be someone who hates me. It was tough for me because I never planned to express my feeling for him. I was not prepared and I believed to love him in silence. James also saw this post. He was trying to justify this act and was defending himself.

Yet again this all happened during an extended weekend so we couldn't even talk face to face.I didn't have courage to see him again. Next day was important to attend at school. It was teacher's day celebration. We all became teachers for junior classes and took our duties as required. I went to school wearing traditional. He wore a black shirt with brown pants. The sweet immature boy looked like a MAN first time since I saw him. Earlier in school uniform it was always him in a loose tie, half tucked in shirt and open belt walking like a drunkard with messy hair. This boy looked like a handsome to be gentleman. I lost my heart, brain and soul all at once the moment I entered the class and saw him. My friends were talking to me but I was busy looking at my world <3. In those 5 to 10 minutes I forgot everything.

We all took our duties and dispersed in our classes. I noticed something was off between us. He didn't bother to talk to me and I don't know why he seemed angry over this situation.

This was the first time when I felt a panic attack or a severe anxiety of losing someone. I thought I lost him. I am sensitive and observant, I can  depict things very clearly in a short period of time and that is the worst part of me. I am sensitive. I got scared but as we all do I decided not to do anything and just wait for some change in his behavior. I guess I was right.

Soon after somedays, though it was not my fault but I apologized to him for all these things. But before I could give any justification he was friendly again.Everything seemed pretty normal between us. The convos were perfect, the pranks and teasing all went very right.

These were some series of days when I realised that it is not just a crush, it is love. I fell in true love with someone..with James. A guy with a personality opposite of mine. WOW! beautiful. I knew it is never going to work out between us. But I was still happy by just looking at him, thinking how could someone be so perfect. I guess nobody ever saw him the way I saw. The soul he has and the peace his presence gave me was undoubtedly the best thing in this cruel world. During these days, I also realised I was scared to lose him. I had thanatophobia. The realisation was tough for me because I already knew he is not going to be permanent in my life. But somehow I ignored my thoughts and convinced myself to be happy until he is there in my life. My world crashed in front of my eyes the moment I thought of losing him. From this phase, a new phase of anxieties, panic attacks and depression started. Happy but sad. :)